Tales of Smashing! A Parody!
by hacktheworld1991
Summary: The Smashers are crazily and stupidly parodying the awesome game Tales of Symphonia! How many times will Samus shoot Captain Falcon? How much food will Kirby eat? How disastrous are Dr. Mario's operations? How truly violent is Peach? Read to find out! R
1. Prologue: The Cast!

Hack: My first take on a parody in a long time! This time it'll involve the Super Smash Brothers cast acting out the legendary RPG game: Tales of Symphonia! Prepare yourself for hilariousness, randomness, craziness, and most of all, crazy smashers! I must warn you all, though, there may be character bashing (although I didn't plan any yet). If you played the game Tales of Symphonia and beaten it before, then you'll understand everything a lot better.

All constructive criticism is appreciated and will be taken into heart. All flames will be ignored or deleted.

If there is another similar story to this, I am not aware of it and this fanfic will not be intentionally similar, so no intentional plagiarism there. Plus, my sense of humor is random anyways. Just a disclaimer to protect this story a bit more.

Oh yeah. I do not own Super Smash Brothers Melee or Tales of Symphonia, or anything related to those. I also do not own any characters from any Nintendo game. Disclaimer done!

Rated T for possible violence, minor sexual references, cursing, that fun stuff. If you don't wanna read any story with that stuff, I suggest you leave (nods vigorously).

Obvious spoilers for Tales of Symphonia, as the smashers will be acting through the _entire_ game. Yes, you heard me, the entire game that takes like a hundred hours to beat. This'll be a long project for me, and it'll be tough squeezing in this and my other work at the same time, but it'll be a fun experience for me.

This chapter is just a prologue to open up the game and who's who, stuff like that. Enjoy it!

* * *

**Prologue: The Cast!**

The twenty-six smashers were sitting and moping around in the smash mansion on top of the Final Destination. It had been a year since they defeated the Master and Crazy Hands.

Suddenly, a very sexy, handsome, black-haired teenage boy came down on a cloud above the smashers, who were all dining. To no one's surprise, Kirby and Yoshi were hogging all the food.

"Good evening, my wonderful smashers!" Hack cried out.

"Huh? Who the hell are you?" Mario asked.

"My goodness, if it'll get the attention of those two pigs, then I'm fine with any distraction…" Falco muttered. "I'm damn hungry…"

"Hey, you're not the only one," Fox replied. "Pretty much everyone's starving. Peach! Got any more grubs?"

"We already ran out, Kirby and Yoshi are pigging out again…" Peach muttered.

"Hello? Are you guys ignoring me?" Hack asked.

BANG! BANG!

Yoshi and Kirby were both taken out instantly by a powerful steel frying pan. Dr. Mario sighed. "My fifth operation today… Can't be worse than my latest one on Donkey Kong though, when Samus took him out…" He dragged them out of the room as every smasher in the dining hall rejoiced.

"WOOT! Food!" Marth cried, chomping down on Yoshi's remainders.

"No, that food's mine!" Roy yelled, shoving Marth aside and stealing Yoshi's food.

"Mama mia… What a crazy dinner…" Luigi shook his head.

"Oh, Luigi! Have you seen my pet spider around here somewhere?" Ganondorf asked with an evil snicker. Luigi screamed and ran out of the room.

"Do any of you know I'm here? Hello?" Hack asked again. Nobody noticed him except Mario, who forgot about him.

"That's not very nice…" Link muttered, shaking his head in disapproval.

Ganondorf felt a tap on his back, then turned around to see Young Link smiling. He was holding a large spider.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Ganondorf screamed as he zipped out of the room.

"Mini-me! How many times did I tell you not to play pranks?" Link cried out.

"Um… Popo made me!" Young Link pointed at the blue ice climber.

"What? No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"Nu uh!"

"Uh huh!"

"Nu uh!"

"Uh huh!"

"Popo! Stop arguing!" Nana called out, being more mature for some reason.

"…Wow, this is pretty lame…" Hack muttered. "Nobody's noticing the sexy me…"

Marth and Roy were still fighting over the food, but Bowser came in between and shoved them both out of the way.

"Eh? You wanna fight?" Marth and Roy threatened simultaneously, pointing their respective swords at Bowser, who was chomping on their food.

"Hey! This food is mine! I'm bigger than the two of you and stronger too!"

CLANG! STAB!

"Another day of chaos…" Zelda sighed, putting her hand on her forehead. She looked up to see Captain Falcon and Samus. "Great… Three… Two… One…"

KABOOM! Falcon had just tried to kiss Samus, who blew him up with a super missile. Falcon was lying at Zelda's feet, struggling to get back up.

"Again with Samus?"

Falcon smiled as he looked up with a smile. "…Nice thongs."

KA-BAM!

"Ow… High heels hurt a lot…" Mr. Game and Watch said, cringing from seeing Falcon's flattened face. "I know from experience."

Pikachu and Pichu were just so happening to carry a large anvil and 'accidentally' dropped it on Mr. GW's foot.

"YEOW!!!" The two pokemon immediately ran, when Jigglypuff just came into the room.

"You little rascal!" Mr. GW yelled! He ran after Jigglypuff, believing that she injured him.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! What did I dooooo????" Jigglypuff cried as she was running.

"In the count of three, everyone that doesn't notice me will get fried!" Hack cried.

"I noticed you a long time ago," said Mario.

"Abusing your author powers, eh Hack?" Mewtwo telepathically said in Hack's mind.

"You're not the only one that can speak telepathically," Ness said in everyone's heads.

"…Two…One…"

BOOM!

Every single person besides Mario, Ness, and Mewtwo were fried to a crisp in a large explosion.

There was only one thing anyone could say.

"…Ow…"

"Great!" Hack clapped his hands together. "I'm here for a project that I want all of you to participate in! I'm the legendary author, Hack, full name is Hacktheworld1991! I want all your cooperation!"

"And what if I don't want to participate?" Ganondorf threatened.

"Well nobody can match up to my author powers."

"Nice try. WARLOCK PUNCH!" Ganondorf cried as he charged his hand. He threw it forward at Hack's face, but it simply deflected off an invisible barrier.

"My turn!" Hack snapped his fingers as Ganondorf felt an anvil fall on his face, then a fireball burned his face further.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"Any objections?"

Everyone shook their head.

"Good. I just had an idea today that you're all going to do a fun parody of Tales of Symphonia!"

"Tales of… what?" Donkey Kong asked.

"It's one of the greatest action-based RPGs, at least in my opinion. It fits pretty well. You're each going to act out a part, and other miscellaneous people from your worlds are going to act as other minor parts too. Got it?"

Nobody responded.

"Great! So… Link! You are acting as Lloyd Irving!"

"Huh? Me?" Link replied.

"Yes, you. You're the main character, and you're pretty cool. Both of you wield swords and both of you have future girlfriends too. You're also both sensible to some extent, but also are pretty stupid in studying."

"…Hey, that's not very nice. And what do you mean by future girlfriends?"

"Because Zelda is going to act out as Colette Brunel!"

"Colette?" Zelda asked.

"Yes, because Colette is Lloyd's natural gal and you're Link's gal."

"Another word like that and I'll zap you," Zelda threatened.

"Fine, fine, but I have other good reasons. She's brave, you're brave too. You both also use pretty nifty magic."

"Okay, I'm fine with that."

"…Oh yeah, you'll have to be clumsy."

"WHAT?"

"Next, we have Genis Sage as Ness! Simply because you're both midgets and you both use cool magic attacks."

"Nice! I love magic!" Ness cried out.

"You're both also really smart and study hard. He's also a crybaby."

"I'm not a crybaby!" Ness cried, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm not a crybaby, I'm not a crybaby!"

Pichu zapped Ness. "That's my job, being a cute crybaby!"

"Ow..."

"It confuses me, though..." said Hack. "In your Earthbound Game, you're considered the main powerhouse and tanker while Paula was the black mage. You also never knew PSI Magnet, Fire, or Thunder, like you do in the smash tournaments. Only PSI Flash and Rockin."

"...I'm weird like that, okay?"

"...Right. So Genis's older sister, Raine, will be Peach."

"Wait, I'm not Ness's sister!" Peach retorted.

"Well that's not why I picked you as Raine. You're the type of gal to be a healer, and you're also really reasonable. You're pretty bossy too, especially around the smash mansion. Especially with the little kids. You get to be Link, Zelda, and Ness's teacher. You'll be awesome, and you'll get to spank Ness's butt."

"I'm starting to regret this…" Peach muttered.

"What? I'm getting spanked?" Ness cried out.

"Yeah, Peach gets to be really violent."

"I have no regrets then!" Peach exclaimed happily.

"All right, our next guy, Kratos Aurion, will be Marth, because I think you're super dark and cool, or at least you seem like the type."

"Heh, thanks."

"You get to be pretty bossy too. You'll come in and out randomly, especially after a certain climax of the game."

"Huh… I like being a mysterious guy. Probably why I'm irresistable around girls."

"I'm irresistable!" Captain Falcon yelled out. Samus bashed him on the head angrily.

"Um, no, not when you're getting beaten by girls all the time," replied Doctor Mario. "Do you know how many operations I had on you because of your behavior?"

"Shut up..."

Hack continued on. "Sheena Fujibayashi, the ninja, I had a hard time deciding. At first I think Zelda would be great, being Sheik and all that, but she's already Colette. Because there's a lack of females in the smash cast…"

"What about us?" Samus and Nana cried out.

"If you're thinking I'm a male, then…" Samus charged her beam.

"I already got neat roles for you. Wait a second…" A notebook appeared in front of Hack, then he made notes, smiling evilly. "I've got it. Samus, you'll be Sheena, the sexy summoner who's very hot-tempered, just like you."

"Hot-tempered?" Samus grumbled, about to release her beam.

"But you also get to summon stuff to blow stuff up."

"…I gotta admit, you got me a damn nice role."

"Thank you. This is why it works out perfectly. Zelos Wilder, the pervert that spies on Sheena, will be Roy!"

"WHAT????" Samus yelled, shooting her beam at Hack. Hack simply floated out of the way.

"What? Why not Captain Falcon?" Roy asked.

"Yeah, I wanna spy on sexy Samus!" Falcon cried.

"Well Falcon isn't cool and humorous enough to be Zelos, plus he can't use a sword for shit," Hack explained. "I also don't like you." He blew a raspberry at Falcon.

"Plus, you're the craziest pervert in this mansion aside from Falcon!" Fox cried out to Roy.

"What? No way! I'm not a Captain Falcon!"

"It's true…" Mewtwo muttered telepathically (I'm not going to bother typing that word every time now. Just assume he talks telepathically all the time.) "I sense you spying on Samus, Zelda, and Peach in the showers almost as much as Falcon do. Even Nana, apparently."

The four females rounded upon Roy. "Um… hi?"

BAM!

BOOM!

POW!

Roy was beaten to a bloody pulp, to put it simply. Describing it in detail would flow this fanfic from the T rating already.

"Man, Roy, man… Spying on even Nana… What a petifile…" Luigi muttered, shaking his head.

"Are you saying I'm ugly?" Nana said, rounding up on Luigi.

"AHHHHHHHHHH, I didn't say anything!"

"It's also spelled pedophile," corrected Ness.

"How do you spell something wrong when I'm saying it?" Luigi asked.

"...That's a good question. It's a secret among psychics."

"I wanna know!"

"Knowledge of how psychics work..." Mewtwo explained. "Would be too confidential and cause your brain to defunctionalize because of its complexity."

"...Huh?"

"Whatever! Just continue!" Nana cried.

"Speaking of Nana…" Hack started. "Since we already used up our three females, not including the pokemon, we need an actor for Presea Combatir. You can guess that Nana's Presea."

"Sweet. How is she?"

"She uses a huge-ass axe for a tiny girl. Happy?"

"Very."

"Excellent. So our last main character is Regal Bryant. He uses sexy kicks all the time, and he's quite calm."

"Oh, me!" Fox and Falco jumped up and down.

"So because Fox and Falco got tons of action time in my other fic, I'm choosing Kirby!"

"Ohh! I'm here!" Kirby jumped in, wearing several band-aids and a cast. "What's happening?"

"You're acting as Regal, the kicking guy."

"Yay!"

"Damn it…" Fox muttered. Falco bashed Fox on the head with his fist.

"So our main bad guy, Mithos and Yggdrasil, will be our fabulous psychic, Mewtwo!"

"…So I'm the antagonist again…"

"Well you're both pretty evilish. Does that satisfy you?"

"I have no objections."

"And he uses light magic."

"…I hate you."

"We've got tons of other characters for you guys to act out, but they'll be revealed as the plot moves on. Quite a few surprises and also obvious substitutions," explained Hack. "I look forward to you all having fun!"

"Psh, yeah right!" All the smashers replied.

For those of you that are lazy and need a list of characters introduced so far…

Lloyd – Link

Colette – Zelda

Genis – Ness

Raine – Peach

Kratos – Marth

Sheena – Samus

Zelos – Roy

Presea– Nana

Regal – Kirby

Mithos – Mewtwo


	2. Violent Teachers and Lame Kendamas

Hack: My first chapter on the actual story! Get ready for random humor of this parody! Enjoy!

I'm not sure if my humor is a bit rusty, but I guess we'll see from my reviews of criticism. Give me all your honest opinions! (Like, seriously)

Now go, my narrator Marth!

* * *

**Chapter 1: Violent Teachers and Lame Kendamas**

The camera was looking over a large landscape, looking at a white tower rising up infinitely into the skies. Around it lay lush, green anime-like forests covering the grounds.

Marth began to recite his lines from the backyard, acting as some sort of narrator.

"Wait… I don't understand any of this at all… Giant Deku Tree? The Saffron Silph. Co? What the hell?"

"Just read your lines! Nobody would ever understand what Kratos was talking about the first time they start the game anyways! I sure didn't!"

A crowd of multiple gamers cried out, "We did!"

"...Shut up..." Hack murmured.

"Right… Mana stored in this weird Giant Deku Tree, then some sort of pokemon said that if she is asleep and the world is in danger, she must be awoken immediately… There's this huge-ass tower that acts as some sort of pinnacle for this weird Tree."

The camera then zooms in on a small town from a distance in the horizon, then zooming into a particular building…

* * *

**Scene: Peach's Classroom of Toad Town**

"Link! You idiot! Wake up!"

BAM!

Peach slammed a frying pan into Link's face, who was standing in the middle of class and carrying a heavy water bucket in each hand. Link fell over, flooding the floor and falling on his face.

"Ow! My sweet face!" Link cried, struggling to get back up. "You're supposed to throw a chalkboard eraser at me!"

"No!!!!" Zelda cried as she stood up from her seat. "That's my Link!"

"My goodness, the first three lines and they're already at it…" Ness sighed from his seat as he watched the scene of Zelda and Peach yelling at each other, Peach still whacking Link on the head with her frying pan.

"Peach, I said you were going to be violent, but you have to follow the script," said Hack. "I didn't mean this violent. Raine certainly isn't this violent."

Peach held a beat-up Link by the collar, then dropped him. She went back to the board in front of the class as Zelda sat down. Link struggled to stand back up, though.

"Ugh… class is over…?" Link asked, shaking his legs in fear.

"Never mind…" Peach sighed with disappointment and disapproval. "Have someone else answer the question."

"Since when did you become a teacher?" Link asked. He felt a black bomb fall on his face, then explode.

"Ness, how about you?"

"Yes, Professor Peach!" Ness stood up attentively. Link and Zelda snickered at Peach being called a professor. "Mewtwo, the psychic hero, brought about the end of the Ancient War in the rural grounds of Kanto."

"You're correct, but I don't know why a nerd like you have to be my brother."

"Psh… You're supposed to be a nerd…" Ness muttered under his breath. He felt another black bomb.

"Afterwards, our psychic hero formed a pack with the Goddess of psychics Mew to seal away Team Rocket who caused this war."

"Team Rocket, psh!" Link muttered as well. Another black bomb to the face. The clueless NPCs in the room were so used to Peach's violent acts that they didn't react at all to her violence.

Link began to talk again after coughing several times. "But Team Rocket came back to make everyone suffer again! Those idiots!"

"You idiot! We already covered that last class! Don't you remember?"

"Er… Short Term Memory?"

_**KABOOM!**_

Peach continued her lesson, ignoring the unconscious Link. "Today is the wonderful Day of the Prophecy! The Chosen, stand up, Zelda!"

Zelda stood up at cue, frowning at the feeling of Peach commanding her.

"Yes… ma'am…" Zelda murmured, putting an extra stress on ma'am.

"Tell us about your journey for world regeneration!"

"…I'm going on a journey to seal Team Rocket," said Zelda.

"Of course you'd know since you're the darn chosen… Well anyways, our world is in danger because of mana depletion. Team Rocket uses more mana for their human ranches, draining our world's necessary mana."

"Well it isn't really anything new…" Ness muttered. "I mean, even LINK would know that!" He felt a vicious slap on his face and another bomb.

"The chosen's purpose has two goals: restore the mana somehow, and kill that damn Team Rocket. Well for another question, this time for my stupidest student Link…"

BLING!

Yellow lights shone down through the windows, blinding everyone like crazy!

"_**Holy moly what the hell was that?????**_" Link, Zelda, and Ness cried out.

Peach blinked. "Being the superior teacher, I'll go check up on what's going on."

"Hey, I'm coming with you. I'm a princess like you!"

"But in this parody, you're just my student. I have total superiority over you!!!!" Peach grinned evilly. She cleared her throat and her grin, then said with a serious tone, "No, just stay here. If it's the oracle, the useless toads will come fetch you."

Peach immediately left.

"HURRAY!"

"WE'RE FREE FROM HER TYRANNY!!!"

All the students rejoiced, including the three smashers. Link snickered as he began to pop a bottle of alcohol.

"Are you old enough to drink?" Ness asked.

"You certainly aren't," Link replied.

"Neither are you," said Zelda.

"My god, just shut up… I'm the hero of time, I have enough responsibility to drink."

"Not in this story, you're just a lame student," Ness replied.

"Why the hell do I have to be with you?" Link sighed.

He stood up from his wooden chair and began to leave the classroom when Ness stopped him by standing in the doorway.

"What in the world are you doing?"

"Eh, just following my lines."

"You don't seem like it."

"Oh, right. Link! Where do you think you're going? Peach'll get mad and use her deadly frying pan skills!"

"Well you're ten times younger than me, so you have no right to stop me."

"You're supposed to say 'It's Research' or 'Okay, fine.' "

"Who do you think's going to believe me when I say that it's research?"

"…Good point, your brain capacity is just too low to think that way."

"…huh?"

Zelda whispered in Link's ears. "He's saying you're stupid."

"…How do those sentences relate, huh?" Link stupidly replied. Zelda and Ness fell over anime style.

"Never mind. But don't blame me when Peach bombs you to death," Ness suggested. "Don't pin the blame on me."

"I wanted to see what happens with the oracle, though!" Link whined.

"You'll see… maybe."

"No! I wanna see now!** Now**!!!"

"Something's wrong with you… What should I do, Zelda?"

Zelda smacked Link on the head with a judo chop. She then began dragging him. "Let's go. We're going to see the oracle anyways."

Suddenly, Toadsworth came into the room. He was an old toad with a cane who was very paranoid over Peach's safety.

"ZELDA!!!!!!!!!!!" he cried, falling to the ground and smearing blood on the ground. "SAVE… PEACH!!!!!!!!!"

"Um, why?" Zelda asked, not caring.

"Team Rocket is on the lose again! SAVE THE PRINCESS!!!!!!!!" Then the annoying old toad died, his eyes wide open with dreadful fear.

"Good Riddance," Zelda called, sounding like she doesn't care.

"Don't they have a peace treaty with us, where they can't attack us if we don't attack them and vice versa?" Ness asked.

"Yeah, it's kinda strange."

"Let's go!" Ness used his psychic powers to carry Link's limp body as he and Zelda left the classroom.

* * *

**Scene: Toad Town**

"There isn't anyone out here," said Ness.

"It must've been Team Rocket, because they passed by here," said Link (who finally woke up).

"I'm going to go to the temple! That's where Team Rocket went!" Zelda cried with a fake tone of worry.

"Peh, the Toadsworths are going to be there, they'll all be safe…" Link sarcastically said.

"Um, Link? Toads are generally really weak and defenseless, which is how Peach gets kidnapped in Mario games by Bowser so easily."

Link rolled his eyes. "Naw, really? Don't you know what _sarcasm_ is?"

"Zelda!" A random blue toad came running in, interrupting Link.

"…Is that little guy supposed to be my supposed-father?" Zelda asked.

"We heard about your…"

"Crap! He heard my insults about Toads! Run!" Link cried. The three ran away, leaving the blue toad in the dust.

"Um… I was going to say why there's nobody out here?"

Link, Zelda, and Ness finally reached the north gate of Toad Town. "So we're supposed to go to the temple, as this script says," said Link.

"Yeah. Hey, there's some sort of random skull…" Ness muttered.

"Is this one of those 'random encounters' of RPG games?" Zelda asked. Ness nodded.

"Except it looks like the encounters aren't so random in this game…"

"Ooooo Fun skull!" Link poked the skull with his sword.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…" Link had just activated the pointless fight.

The three were up against a random zombie-like creature.

"Re-Deads? I've already seen enough in my adventure!" Link cried. "Heck, they even started to put in Re-Dead Knights in my Twilight Princess game! They were so lame!"

"Yeah, so lame that they stopped humping you when they reached you," said Ness. "I'm surprised they had that move in Wind Waker, a not-so-serious game."

"Screw this, I'm killing it," Zelda muttered. "Din's Fire!"

POOF!

"What?" That's right, Zelda didn't do anything. Then she just noticed she had a large chakram in each hand. "Ew… These just aren't my type of weapon…"

"Hey, I'm not complainin'!" Link happily cried as he carried two swords and started to hack away at the zombie.

"Zelda, you should stop complaining after you see my weapon…" Ness muttered as he held up his lame kendama. It was a tiny cross with a red ball at its end attached to a string. He threw the ball at the zombie. One Damage.

Link and Zelda were cracking up. "Wow! They actually call that a weapon??" Link cried out in tears. Ness blushed.

"Shut up!"

Link and Zelda were literally rotflmao-ing, leaving the zombie in confusion.

Suddenly, Hack came in, floating. "My goodness, only the first chapter and you're all already screwing up… Our audience wants a parody, damn it!"

"Sorry… but…" Link sobbed through cries of laughter. "…Ness's… weapon… GWAH HA HA!!!"

"Link…?" Zelda asked, now completely calm. "It isn't that funny now." She looked at Link, and Link looked at her. There was a moment of silence.

They cracked up. "**AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!**"

"Gahh! Shut up!!!!" Ness yelled. "PSI Fire Beta!"

Rather than shooting a deadly stream of fire, however, Ness only shot three fireballs at Link, which did very little damage. "Huh?"

"Yeah, you're pretty useless at the beginning, Ness, with your incredibly weak novice spells," said Hack.

"WHY ME??? FIRST A GAY KENDAMA, THEN LAME SPELLS THAT DON'T DO SHIT!!! #&#(&(&#$(&()"

"Whoa, stop the cursing, dude!" Link said.

"I MEAN, IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT THE SMASH GOT ALL MY MOVES EFFED OVER AND DIDN'T LET ME USE PSI ROCKIN, BUT (#$&#&"

* * *

After a half hour of ranting… (Hack already left from being annoyed) 

"Done yet?" Zelda asked.

"Yes."

"Well at least he killed the zombie in his anger…" Link pointed out. The zombie was burnt to a crisp, as Ness had continuously bashed it with his "weapon" out of his anger, even after it died.

Suddenly, another skull came popping into the town.

"Another enemy?" Ness groaned.

"I heard Peach say that ghosts are weak against magic," said Zelda. "I can't believe that I'm restricted to these chakrams…"

"Woo! Gotta love my weapon!" Link cried happily as he went double sword happy on the ghost. It instantly died in a second.

"…Disregard what I said earlier," said Zelda. "Who cares about magic, especially with a weak little mage like this midget here."

"For the last time, I am not weak…" Ness grumbled. Link grabbed the round sphere of the kendama and played with it.

"Right, whatever little kid with a little toy…" Link laughed. Ness blushed again.

"Whatever, let's just go to the temple."


	3. Ness's Nut Cracker

Hack: I'm glad everyone's been enjoying the light-hearted yet random humor! I'm going to continue these ideas throughout my chapters!

But since my workload is a ton, I've hired quite a few muses for myself! Meet Mario, Link, Fox, Ness, Kirby, Mewtwo, and Captain Falcon!

Mario: It's-a me, Mario!

Fox: Why am I always an important character? (sighs)

Ness: And Why am I stuck with a lame kendama? (sighs)

Mewtwo: Don't ask me how I got into this… (sighs)

Kirby: Anyone have any food around here?

Everyone else: NO!

Kirby: aw… (sighs)

Mario: (sighs) what's up with the sighing?

Link: You just sighed.

Mario: oh.

Captain Falcon: Wait! You haven't heard my latest perverted and sick joke yet!

Everyone else: We don't want to hear it!

Captain Falcon: Damn… (sighs)

Mewtwo: Supposedly we are supposed to advertise Hack's other 'extremely awesome' fanfic, the Endowment of Exgiency… I thoroughly enjoy it, even though I die…

Kirby: Dying ain't so bad! By chapter sixty seven, I barely even appeared yet!

Hack: You guy talk way too much… I'm sure only Mewtwo'll do the job properly. Enjoy this chapter!

* * *

**Chapter 2: Ness's Nut-Cracker**

"We're at the temple now, and I don't see anything happening," said Link.

Zelda looked up. "Except for the fact that Toads are flying everywhere, dying." She was correct, as many weak Toads were sent flying everywhere, dying and screaming in pain.

"…That isn't so much of a crisis anyways since they're so annoying and defenseless," said Ness.

"Agreed."

The three ran up the stairs, dodging various flying toads and Toadsworths, finally reaching the very top.

Toadette (aka Phaidra) was standing in the entrance to the temple. A few Team Rocket grunts were carrying whips and such, glaring over Toadette. They wore black and dark violet suits, their shirts and hats having a red R on them. One more person, however, stood out as the commander of them…

"FALCO???? Who are YOU acting as???" Link cried out, mustering his laughter.

Falco muttered. "This suit really doesn't suit me... I don't like acting as the inferior of Fox, who's Yuan right now…"

Ness sighed as he flipped through the script he already memorized. "Well you won't believe what'll happen way later in the game to Botta, when you are sacrif…"

"Ness, we're already spoiling the story as it is, there's no need to spoil the future," said Hack from the skies. "Try again and you'll deal with me."

"Wait, what did you mean, Ness?" Falco asked.

"Never mind…"

"Commander? What shall we do?" one of the Team Rocket grunts asked.

"Um… damn it! I was supposed to ask Toadette where the 'chosen' is before you guys came up here! Oh well! Grunts, attack!"

Two of the grunts charged forward, carrying steel swords.

"What? Steel Swords? That's all you've got? I can murder you guys any day!" Link taunted.

"Link, you're using wooden blades too…" Zelda muttered in embarrassment.

"Oh. Right."

Ness held up his lame kendama, and cried, "**PSI Freeze Beta**!!!!!" Instead of a huge explosion of ice, however, a small icicle grew from the ground below one of the grunts and struck him in the crotch.

"YEOW!!!!!!" the grunt cried, holding his jewels.

"Damn it! I hate these lame spells!" Ness yelled.

"Hey, that spell's pretty useful against male enemies!" Link smiled as he knocked out the stunned grunt with an elbow bash on the head.

"Really?" A scroll of techniques appeared before Ness. It listed all of his novice spells: Fireball, Wind Blade, Stone Blast, Icicle, Aqua Edge, and Lightning.

"Hm… I'll try this…" said Ness. "Stone Blast!"

Several rocks flew up from the ground below the other grunt, repeatedly hitting him in the crotch. What should have dealt a total of a measly hundred damage now dealt over ten thousand damage. The grunt fell to the ground in tears.

"…Whoa… I love my spells now!" Ness happily cried. "I call Stone Blast my Nut-Cracker attack!"

Zelda cringed in disgust. "…Right. That's insane damage…"

"Well not so insane late in the game. At maximum level and strength, Presea can deal over two hundred thousand damage with her hi-ougi, only in the PS2 japanese version though," Hack explained. "WHY CAN'T WE GET ALL THE SEXY HI-OUGIS???????"

"Really? What's mine?" Link asked.

"Well in the US GC version, Lloyd, Colette, and Genis's Hi-Ougis are the only ones you can use. You guys have Falcon Crest, Holy Judgement, and Indignation Judement. Everyone has one, though, in the PS2 japanese version."

"**WOOT**!"

"…What am I doing here? **Get back to work**!!!" Hack disappeared soon afterwards.

Falco cleared his throat, interrupting the conversation. "Ahem… So I see you've defeated two of my henchmen… This guy'll be stronger!"

Another Team Rocket grunt appeared, carrying a large mace.

"This could pose a problem…" Link muttered. Zelda nodded in agreement.

"Nah, not really," said Ness. "NUT-CRACKER!!!"

"OWWWWWWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"

THUD!

The grunt fell to the ground, holding his testicles in pain. The three heroes snickered.

Suddenly, Marth came running in.

"Here I am! Sexy me is here to save the day!" Marth cried as the Fire Emblem fanfare played in the background. Link, Zelda, Ness, and Falco had the anime-style sweat-drops.

"Wait… what's going on? Aren't you guys supposed to be having trouble? I'm supposed to save you guys!" Marth cried.

"Sorry Marth, but Ness has the Nut-Cracker," Link joked.

"Another joke like that, and I'm going to explode…" Zelda muttered. "Too many testicle-related jokes…"

"Ness, he's the power guy here? I certainly didn't expect that from a little midget meant to be a mage…" said Marth.

**NUT-CRACKER!!!**

THUD!

"So much for sexy-swordsman…" Link, Zelda, and Ness walked over a twitching Marth to confront Falco.

"Um… Er…" Falco muttered. "Peh! I didn't know that you would have shown up, Marth! We'll retreat for now!" Falco and the grunts instantly disappeared, leaving a horrified Toadette and an unconscious Marth.

"Chosen One!" Toadette cried. "I'm so glad you're safe! Are you here for the oracle to being your journey?"

"Hey, it's that oracle thingy that Peach was talking about," said Link. "Say no!"

"Um… no, Link. Yes, Toadette, I'm here for the oracle."

"Excellent!" Toadette exclaimed.

Marth stood up, leaning on his sword with his right hand and holding his crotch in the other. "So… Zelda, I'll be… your guard…"

"Who are you?" asked Toadette.

Marth let out a long sigh, just about recovered from the nut-cracker. "I am a mercenary! Pay me and I'll do the job of protecting Zelda!" Fire Emblem Fanfare. "Here's my papers and how much money I want for how long I'll be protecting her…"

Marth handed Toadette a sheet of paper, then Toadette's eyes popped out of their sockets.

"THIS MUCH MONEY????"

"Hey… I don't think Kratos cared too much about money in the real game…" muttered Ness.

"Hm… Hey, Marth! Half your fees or else Ness'll do a nut-cracker on you!" Link cried out.

"You think I'll fall for that? Yeah right!"

NUT-CRACKER!!!

"Ha! Missed me!" Marth jumped backwards, right where Zelda was. She kicked Marth in the butt, making him fall to the ground, then she lifted her right high-heeled foot.

STOMP!!!

CRACK!!!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…"

"Zelda, you kinda overdid it…" Link muttered.

"Well Marth's being a greedy bastard…" Zelda replied.

"Okay… I'll… lower… fees…" Marth cried through tears of pain.

"Yay!" Toadette cried as she handed Marth a bag of coins known as coins.

"So Toadette, I'm going to go undergo the trials now!" Zelda said as she beckoned Link and Ness forward.

"Wait… You two will just… get in the way…" said Marth.

"What? We're more capable than you!" Link replied angrily.

"At least we didn't get stomped in the balls like you!" Ness retorted.

"Bah… Well I'm hired… I'll go with you guys…"

TA DAH!!! Marth has joined the party!

Everyone just stood there. "…"

"…Right… Let's just go…" said Ness.

* * *

**Scene: The Temple of Mew – Main Chamber**

"Wow! It looks so cool! It's all so dark and stuff!" cried Link.

"You don't know how to wield a sword, do you?" said Marth.

"Hey, who scored over ten places higher than you in the super smash tournaments?" asked Link.

"Nobody. I was always in the sixth to eighth range. Nobody can be over ten places higher than me. And I think I, the sexy one, scored over ten places higher than you. Get your facts straight!" Marth bonked Link on the head.

"…oh yeah, right…"

"Here, this should help you become a better fighter…" Marth gave Link a weird training manual.

"Dude, I know how to fight," said Link.

"Dude, I'm just following the script unlike you guys," said Marth.

"Dude, you didn't follow the script by demanding over ten times what Kratos wanted for hire," said Ness.

"Dude, all of you just shut up," said Zelda. "DIN'S FIRE!!!"

Nothing…

"Gah… I hate this… I have no magic..." said Zelda.

"Hey, I don't get any of my cool spells either…" Ness replied.

"At least you get the nut-cracker…"

"True…"

"But you've got that lame kendama…"

"…Shut up!"

* * *

**Scene: Huge Room with gaps in bridges and a glowing light**

"Oooo! I wonder what this glowing light is!" said Link. He walked into it to trigger a fight with a huge golem!

"NUT CRACKER!!!!" Ness cried. Stones flew up from the ground to do null damage to the golem.

"Ness, first you're using a ground attack against a ground enemy, making it ineffective..." explained Marth. "Second, the golem doesn't have any balls."

"Oh, right… Got carried away…"

Zelda looked at her list of techniques. "Ray Thrust? Pow Hammer? What moves do you define these as, Hack?"

Hack appeared beside her. "Well everyone's techniques suck at first, especially Colette. You're pretty much a long range mixed character."

"…Mixed?"

"You use both physical and magical attacks. Your magic attacks are pretty much kickass through the first half of the game…"

Zelda smiled.

"But they start to suck a lot afterwards."

Zelda frowned.

Link was hacking away at the golem again using his simple attacks. "This guy's so easy!"

BAM!

The golem swung its arm around in a wide circle, sending Link flying.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"I love my character," said Marth. "I know Ness's magic and Link's attacks! Lightning!"

KA-BAM! The golem was struck by a bolt of lightning, stunning it momentarily. Link rushed in, swung his sword three times, then cried, "Demon Fang!" He swung his sword once, shooting a sharp slice of wind at the Golem.

"…So much for lame combos…" muttered Link. "I better get cooler moves later."

After another minute, the golem was taken down, and it turned into a stone… block.

"That was stupid…" Link muttered again.

"You're the one who stepped into that light without thinking, smart one!" said Ness.

"Shush…"

"Anyone notice that it turned into a block?" Zelda called out.

Marth scanned the room. There was a bridge that lead to some sort of shrine, but there was a large hole in it. "I think that we should push it there…"

Link grabbed the side of the blocked and took a few seconds to push it into the hole. It only filled half of a gap.

"What a lame puzzle… My puzzles were a lot more interesting!" cried Link. "And they were also solvable!"

Another golem fell on top of Link.

"…Ow…" he muttered.

"Hm… Do you think it'll change into another block?" asked Ness.

"Let's try then!"

"Fireball!"

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!

Three fireballs from Marth and Ness each were fired at the golem, causing it to shrink into a block still flattening Link.

"Um… a little help here?" Link asked.

"My goodness…" Zelda sighed as she shoved the block off of him and into the gap again.

"Look! Another golem!" Marth cried. "I, the sexy swordsman, shall take care of it!"

BAM!

The third golem turned into a block and a fourth one fell on top of it.

BAM!

The fourth golem turned into a block and a fifth one fell on top of it.

"…Marth, that's enough, you have far too much ego. I think we can reach that weird shrine," said Link.

Marth had already killed ten golems. "Hey! This is a time to show off my skills! I'm already level eleven!"

"…What kind of RPG bull-shizzle is that?"

Suddenly, over a hundred golems fell on the platform.

"YOU!!!!!" The largest one yelled. "YOU THE ONE WHO EXTINCTING US!!! YOU DIE!!!"

"Is he talking to you, Link? Because I'm certainly not that stupid," said Marth.

Ness groaned. "He's talking to you!!!"

"DIE!!!!!!" The golem cried. They began to run towards the group of four, about to stampede them.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!" Link cried.

"It doesn't take a genius to find that out…" Zelda muttered as she pocketed the sorcerer's ring that everyone else forgot about. "Let's get out of here!"

* * *

**Scene: Main Chamber**

After ten minutes of trying to outrun the stampede (and the golems were somehow that fast), the four were finally back in the main shrine.

"Marth, don't ever go on a killing spree ever again…" Ness panted. "My body can't take much stamina…

"Easy for you to say…" Zelda replied, panting harder.

"What's that ring?" Link asked, pointing the red ring out.

"This is the sorcerer's ring that we're supposed to use all the time," Zelda explained. "We went down to find it, and this thing can destroy that barrier that leads to my oracle, the end of my trial."

"Okay, so what does it do?" asked Ness. "It probably shoots something, so…"

Zelda pointed the ring at Marth and fired it. A small fireball set Marth on fire.

"**AHHHHH!!!! I TAKE TOO MUCH PUNISHMENT IN THIS CHAPTER!!!!!**" Marth yelled in pain.

"Too much punishment?" Ness evilly smiled.

NUT CRACKER!!!


	4. DAPHNES NOHANSEN HYRULE!

Hack: Yeah. Sorry about the extremely late update. To be frank I kinda lost interest in typing this story up, because I'm more focused on my Endowment of Exigency fic. I also had a writer's block for some time.

Kirby: (holds up a sign)

Falcon: (reads the sign) Read… It… It's… good… WHAT? Your fanfic damn sucks! I get beaten by Samus too much!

Link: And for a good reason.

Falcon: ...Shush

Mario: Mama mia, I die in that fanfic. I'm not-a that heroic!

Mewtwo: I come off as an enemy in both… I hate my clichéd parts.

Ness: Don't worry, at least you don't have a lame kendama.

Everyone else: (snickers)

Fox: Hack doesn't own anything except his jokes!

Hack: True. Funny jokes are pretty hard to think of too, especially if you kinda lost some interest. Don't worry, it won't be dead, but expect very late updates… Enjoy this chapter!

Much love to copy and paste. You'll see what I mean in a second (literally).

* * *

**Chapter 3: DAPHNES NOHANSEN HYRULE!!! **

**Scene: Temple Altar**

After the smashers finally learned what the sorcerer's ring does, Zelda fired it at a barrier at the center of the main chamber and destroyed it. They all ran through the doorway and entered a teleportation device, appearing at the very top of the temple. They were outside, standing before a magical altar. A bright yellow vertical pillar of light shot down to the center of the altar and a very large, red-cloaked figure floated down with white wings. He was very familiar to Link and Zelda…

"GASP! **DAPHNES NOHANSEN HYRULE**!!!!!" Link and Zelda cried out.

"What the… Who the hell names their son… Daffy… Nomad… Hyla…?" asked Marth.

"Really long name," Ness snickered. "That's your dad, Zelda?"

Zelda flipped through a large packet of papers, apparently the script. "Dad? You're acting as Lord Remiel?"

"Correct."

Link peered over Zelda's shoulder to look at the script. "…Lord Remiel was short and somewhat thin. He didn't wear humongous red Hylian robes. Why don't you look anything like him, **Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**?"

Ness and Marth snickered. "Such a long name…" muttered Marth.

**Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule** sighed, ignoring Marth and Ness. "I prefer my long, red robes. Well, Princess Zelda…"

"I'm not a princess, I'm a chosen."

"Ah, sorry, my apologies. It is so difficult to name my daughter not a princess. Well from now on, you will become the Chosen of Regeneration…" **Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule** began lecturing Zelda on everything she should do as a chosen. "We under Mew bless your name. Your duty as a chosen is to go to every temple and pray, then obtain the chosen aeon, blah blah blah…"

"Wait, that's from Final Fantasy X," said Ness. "You've got your stuff wrong, Mr. Long Name."

"Ah, my apologies. You are to go to every temple and see me, become one step closer to becoming a pokemon."

"A **pokemon???**" Zelda cried out. "I don't want to be like that runt Pikachu!"

"Yet you miraculously don't insult Pichu…" muttered Link.

Zelda blushed. "Shut up! Pichu's irresistibly cute! Pikachu isn't!"

**Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule **ignored their arguing. Only Zelda began listening again. "Go to the center of the world and awaken the Mew… We of the pokemon bless this event for your awakening."

"You certainly don't look like a pokemon," said Marth.

"The pokemon with the longest name I can think of is Feraligator," said Ness. It had eleven letters.

"No, you spelled it wrong," said Link. "It's spelled Feraligatr, without the o."

"What? What the hell were the developers thinking?" exclaimed Ness. "That spelling doesn't make sense!"

"So it's tied with many other pokemon for the longest name, as far as I know. Ten letters…" said Marth.

"They made Feraligatr's name like that so it can fit in the pokemon screen," said Link.

"Then just add another space so they can spell it in a more sensible way!" Ness cried. "What lazy retards!"

"Hmmmm... If you spell out Porygon2, you'll get Porygon Two. It's longer!" exclaimed Marth.

"No, it's still only ten letters, not including the space…" Link sighed. "But the point is, the longest pokemon name doesn't compare with **Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**. It has twenty one letters!"

"No, the longest pokemon's name matches up to it," said Ness.

"Huh?" Both Link and Marth looked at Ness.

Ness took a deep breath. "**Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. **He's a pokemon in this fic!"

It took the two others to realize what Ness meant, then they literally ROTFLed!!!!

Suddenly, Zelda grew a white tail from her butt!

"What the… What is this?" Zelda asked, holding up her tail. "I don't want to look like Mewtwo."

**Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule **shook his head. "No, you will look like Mew!"

"Ew! Hack! I demand that you don't make me survive with this tail!" Zelda cried out to the sky.

"Why? It suits your ugliness perfectly," Hack called through the clouds.

"DO IT OR ELSE!!!"

"I'm the all-powerful author that most reviewers don't like. I can do anything."

"Oh yeah? Ness! Do it!"

"On it! NUT CRACKER!!!"

KA-BAM!

"**OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW**!!!!!!!!" Hack cried out in pain. Nobody could see him, but it was clear that he was in much pain. "Fine… Fine… Take out… Mew's… stuff…" he gasped, breathing heavily between each word.

Zelda's tail disappeared. "Yay!"

"You'll just become an empty shell."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Anyone who played the game will know what I'm talking about. And now, I will leave the scene," said Hack.

So we finally get back to the plot.

"So awaken Mew at the Silph Co. after your transformations…" muttered **Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**.

"Why is it called Silph Co?" asked Marth.

"Pikachu told me that there was an incredibly evil dungeon in Safron City which was a huge tower with over ten floors. It had teleporters everywhere. It was the Silph Co," explained Ness.

"Can't be as bad as my Water Temple…" muttered Link.

"Yes, I will complete my mission," said Zelda, ignoring the side conversations.

There was a long pause.

"You are supposed to ask me if you truly are my daughter," said **Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule.**

"I know you're my father! What is there to ask?" said Zelda.

"…Point taken. Good bye."

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Wait!" Marth called out. "Why is your name so darn long? It sounds so much like Daffy Nomad Hyla! A random, lame name!"

"Quiet!" **Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule **finally left the scene, floating upwards into the sky.

* * *

**Scene: Main Chamber **

"Can't you guys ever shut up?" asked Zelda. The three guys stood still for a moment. At the same time, Link, Marth, and Ness said respectively…

"No."

"Yes."

"Undecided."

"Gah! I wish Peach was here to deal with you guys!" Zelda sighed with her hand on her face.

"You called?" Peach came into the scene with her frying pan.

"Um… No… I didn't mean that…" Zelda stuttered out of fear. She and the three guys were trembling, praying that Peach won't beat on them.

"Um… Zelda…" said Marth. "We're supposed to leave before the two others… We leave for your journey, before seeing… the devil…" he pointed at Peach.

"You called me a devil?" asked Peach, growing red horns on her head.

"Ooops, gotta go!" Marth grabbed Zelda's hand and sped out of the temple. Link and Ness were cornered.

"And you two were supposed to stay in the classroom when I left!" Peach growled.

"Hey, Zelda left too! Why not punish her?" asked Link.

"Hey, Zelda's your girlfriend, why aren't you standing up for her?" asked Ness.

"You want me to take hits from the Satan of the underworld?" Link hissed into Ness's ear.

"I heard that!"

CLANG!

Link got a huge headache as he sat along the wall, rubbing his head in pain. "I stand correct... She has the ears... of Satan..."

"Oops, I was supposed to get the midget first," said Peach. She grabbed Ness around the waist. "I can't wait until I do this…"

Peach began spanking Ness on his ass! Her slaps were so hard that Ness began forming painful blue bruises on his butt!

"OWWW! MOMMY! PLEASE!!! STOP IT!!!!" Ness cried.

"Hey, it could be worse…" mumbled Link, still rubbing his head.

"And I'm supposed to kick you next," said Peach as she tossed Ness aside. "The script said in the stomach, but I can bend a rule."

CRUNCH!

Ness cringed at the sound, almost as if he could feel the pain, as he saw Link…

* * *

**Scene: Popstar (aka Altamira)**

Popstar is on the other dimension of where Link is. Very very far away.

Kirby (aka Regal) was currently feasting on his well-cooked meal. He opened his black hole mouth, all the food in midair, about to be sucked in…

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**"

Followed by a deep breath.

"**HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**"

Kirby jumped into the ceiling abruptly, dropping all the food onto the clean floor.

"Damn it! That ruined my dinner!" Kirby angrily muttered, looking at the dirty mess on the once formal, beautiful ballroom floor. "That better not be Peach slamming her high heels on some gay guy's balls! Popo! Clean it all up!"

Popo came in, dressed in a girl's pink clothes. "What, lick it all up again?"

Kirby nodded.

"I'm supposed to be your girlfriend, Alicia! We're supposed to love each other! Why are you slaving me around??" Popo cried. "And I'm not a girl either! I hate this role!"

Kirby slurped on a slurpie. "Not my problem. Lick it up," he ordered. Popo the 'girlfriend' of Kirby licked up the floor relentlessly, glaring at Kirby.

* * *

**Scene: Main Chamber **

"I know Link's an idiot…" whispered Ness. "But you don't have to castrate him…"

Peach lifted Link on her shoulder. "He isn't castrated."

"I'm sure his testicles were crushed under your shoes."

"Too bad for him."

"And didn't the script say that you had to KICK him, not stomp him?"

"…Shush."

"And why are you here?"

"I got permission to 'study' the ruins, but really I just wanted to kick your butts."

"…You're too nice."

"…You're supposed to go, you know. Take this luggage." Peach threw Link's carcass at Ness, who grunted as he tried to hold Link up.

"Ugh… right… whatever…" Ness grumbled as he left.

* * *

**Scene: Toad Town**

"Hm…" said Link as he and Ness walked back in the town.

"You okay?" asked Ness.

"No really? Of **COURSE** I'm fine after getting my balls ripped off!" Link bellowed sarcastically. Ness cowered before him. "But whatever. We've gotta check up on Zelda and her journey stuff!"

Ness rolled his eyes. "Whatever…"

So the pair went to Zelda's house in Toad Town, which simply resembled a plain, normal two-floored house with a red roof. They opened the white doors to see Toadette and Marth 'discussing' their plans for Zelda.

"…Are you sure you won't do anything suspicious with Zelda?" Toadette raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, I'm not Roy or Captain Falcon. I don't lust for sex and girls 24/7."

"Good point."

"And who'd want to do anything to Zelda under Peach's nose? That'd be pretty scary." Marth shifted his eyes around to detect any Peach-ness.

"Don't worry, Peach's busy in the temple," said Link. Marth sighed with relief. "So what's going on?"

"Peach and I are guarding the chosen throughout her journey. That's basically it. Toadette kept thinking that I want to do something suspicious with Zelda, but nobody would want to do anything with Peach nearby."

Ness chuckled. "Yeah… You should've heard Link's cry when she stomped on his balls…"

"What? That was Link? Anyone could've heard his bellow! I bet ya everyone from all the other planets in the Nintendo universe heard his cry!"

"Psh, no way!"

* * *

**Scene: Popstar **

"That voice really sounded like Link though…" muttered Kirby as he sat on Popo licking all the food on the ground. "Hey! Is my food finished, maids?"

"Why, Hack, why?" Popo moaned. "Why am I Alicia..."

"Alicia is Presea's sister, and Nana is acting as Presea so you're her sibling. It fits perfectly with your personality!" replied Kirby.

* * *

**Scene: Toad Town (Outside Zelda's house) **

Zelda came out of the door. "It's you two…" she muttered. "Was that yelling you, Link?"

"Please don't bring that up again…" Link whispered. "I still feel the pain right now…"

"Oh yeah! Zelda! I brought you a present!" Ness cried. He took out a pan of cookies out of nowhere.

"Ew… cookies… Why cookies?" asked Zelda. "I don't want to grow fat, you know!"

"I'm following the script for once, not murdering all male human enemies with my nut-cracker," Ness replied as he shoved the cookies into Zelda's hands.

"Meh… So you have a present?" Zelda asked Link.

"Why would I? I can't make a necklace if my life depended on it!"

"You're a dwarf's son, Link…" Ness sighed. "You're supposed to be a crafting genius…"

"Shut up! Who's the dwarf Dirk anyways?"

"We'll find out soon enough."

Marth came out.

"Hey! We can guard Zel too, right? I'm her boyfriend!" Link exclaimed.

Marth shook his head. "I love this role… You can't. This isn't a field trip, you know."

"You were supposed to say that when we first met you…" Ness shook his head.

"Shut up! Well you can't, only Peach and I are guarding Zelda. Go home," said Marth.

"Whatever…" Link mumbled. "Let's go, Ness."

The pair left the area and reached the entrance of Toad Town.

"We're leaving the town right now," said Link.

The two Toad guards ran up to Link. "HELP! HELP! THERE'S A MONSTER AT THE ENTRANCE!!!!" one of them cried, clutching to Link's legs in fear.

Ness looked up to see a brown horse with a beautiful white mane and a fluffy brown saddle: Link's horse, Epona (aka Noishe).

"What… You're… scared… of… a… horse…" Link said, pausing between each word. "…I can't fucking believe it."

The two toads ran away in fear of Link.

"Eh, why are you following me anyways?" asked Link.

"I'm stopping en route to your house," Ness replied. "Well we might as well go through the nearby forest…" He took out the script. "Forever Forest? I'm guessing that in a Mario game, there's a forest called Forever Forest next to Toad Town…"

You guessed it, it's from Paper Mario! Oh boy, they both are going to be suffering a dungeon that wasn't even in the Tales of Symphonia game…

"Excuse me?" Link raised an eyebrow. "Suffering a dungeon that wasn't in the original game?"

Hey, you can't read this stuff! It's confidential!

"But it's put there in plain English," replied Ness.

Gah! This chapter's over! Shut up, Ness! I hate you!

"Heh heh!" Ness smiled.


	5. Beware of Forests, Unlucky People

Hack: Another chapter after another long delay.

Mewtwo: Good riddance

Link: We need Ness's Nut Cracker to make you post your chapters earlier.

Ness: (snickering) heh heh…

Kirby: Any way to make some food for me, Ness?

Ness: Why?

Fox: In the game, you're the second best cook.

Ness: …What the hell is cooking?

Fox: Just make some food that regenerates health and technique points a little after each battle if you choose.

Mario: Out of curiosity, who's the best cook of the party?

Fox: (looks through script) It's Kirby, aka Regal

Kirby: Huh? I'm too lazy to cook though.

Falcon: That's an awesome kick-ass idea! Kirby, make us a grand dinner to celebrate the author's damn late update!

Kirby: No way!

Mewtwo: I concur with Kirby.

Falcon: Huh? Why, pussy cat?

Mewtwo: Because he will simply eat all the food that he makes.

Mario: Ah, good point. Too bad, I was hoping for some lasagna-a.

Link: Hack does not own Tales of Symphonia or Super Smash Brothers!

* * *

**Chapter 4: Beware of Forests, Unlucky People  
**

**Scene: Forever Forest, the beginning**

"What is the point of adding another dungeon here?" asked Link as he dismounted Epona.

"Well the Forever Forest is the only forest nearby Toad Town, so it fits the geography pretty well," said Ness.

"You're supposed to agree with me!"

"I do kinda agree with you, but I can see the logic behind it."

"Gr… What kind of friend do you have outside of Toad Town anyways?"

"I actually don't know who she is, the person acting out as Marble."

"Right, whatever. And I'm really annoyed by these random plants that somehow move around. Is this normal, Ness?" Link asked.

"You're asking me? Ness, the boy who came from Onett? Ness, the boy who fought Starmen? Ness, the boy who fought moving gas pumps and road signs that explode after three turns? Ness, the boy who fought a big pile of vomit that loved to eat honey? I find that… very abnormal."

"…Right," Link said as he cut down another plant. "I wish you'd help me…"

"They made this stupid system where I have to charge my spells before I actually cast them. This kendama isn't a very useful weapon either…"

Link snickered at the word 'kendama' as he saw Ness wave the useless little toy around, dealing one damage to a plant. (Exaggeration, I know, but it's pretty lame anyways.)

"So the path just split," said Link as they saw the path split into three. "…Wanna flip a coin for it?"

"What'll that do? There are three junctions! A coin can only choose between two!"

"Eh, whatever. I guess I'll just take out one from the choosing. Let's flip for the straight and right junctions! Call in the air!" Link flipped a quarter into the air.

"Um… heads for right."

Link caught it and looked at it. "Tails, let's go forward!"

"Why am I stuck with him…" Ness sighed.

"Hurry up!"

* * *

**Scene: Toad Town**

"This looks familiar," said Link. "I think we took a wrong turn."

"No, REALLY???" Ness yelled, irritated. "We're back at Toad Town you idiot!"

"Oh, right!"

* * *

**Scene: Forever Forest, the beginning**

"So we'll take a right turn this time," said Link. Ness reluctantly nodded in agreement.

"What are the chances of it being wrong? I'd say a smaller chance now," said Ness.

* * *

**Scene: Forever Forest, the beginning**

"Should have taken the left junction out I guess," said Ness.

"Yeah, so let's go left."

* * *

**Scene: Forever Forest, the beginning**

"#(282365(#(!#" Ness cursed out loud.

"Sheesh, Ness, you're too young to know those words!" Link yelled.

"SHUT THE #( UP YOU ( RETARD!!! NUT CRACKER!"

CRACK

"Ow… The… pain…" Link muttered as he kneeled over, crying.

After twenty painful minutes of repeated nut crackers, Ness finally got over his anger.

"So we tried all three directions," said Ness. "I guess we have to guess now; the path must changed every now and then."

"Right. You go right, and I go left!"

"Wow, that's the first smart idea you came up with!" Ness exclaimed.

"Really?"

Ness rolled his eyes. "Naw, really?"

They took their directions.

* * *

**Scene: Forever Forest, the beginning**

"According to my calculations, there's a high chance of one of us making it through, about two thirds of a chance, so… I DIDN'T MAKE IT!!!" Ness yelled out loud. "Hopefully Link made it."

"Huh? Made what?" Link asked.

"…" Ness's face turned red.

"Crap, you're starting to become more violent than Peach…"

Ness gasped. "Crap!" He kneeled on the ground, banging his head on the ground. "I'm not like Peach, I'm not like Peach, I'm not like Peach, I'm not like Peach…"

"Somehow I think he's weirder than me now," said Link before he faced another Nut Cracker.

* * *

**Scene: Toad Town Human Ranch (After several painful days of painful, unlucky guesswork)**

"That… was… insane…" Link panted.

"I… concur…" Ness agreed as they both fell on the floor, directly in front of the gates to the ranch. Several people were slaved around in the ranch, forced to move blocks around and being whipped by Team Rocket members.

"I'm talking about… Those…Nut… Crackers…"

"Oh, right… I'm going to… take a… snooze…"

"Me too…"

After their hour long snooze, they finally woke up.

"This is my stop," said Ness, finally following my lines. "Your lines? You were practically plagiarizing from a gamefaqs faq that has almost all the dialogue in the game!"

Hack came down on his cloud. "Hey, you can't expect me to remember every single thing. I'm also adding tons of extra stuff to make things funny!"

"Not funny for us!" Link yelled.

"But it should be funny for the readers. Now get back to work! And no more questioning my ownership rights!" Then Hack disappeared before Ness could do a Nut Cracker.

**NOTE: I did not plagiarize any dialogue at all… Some may be similar, but it's not my own, and therefore it is NOT plagiarism. I do use a faq for guidance on what events happen next and stuff, but I do not take all the dialogue as my own work, only my own jokes. Got it? Just to make it safe.**

"That was an interesting disclaimer…" said Ness. "Oh, right, I'm not supposed to read the text that's blankly put right there."

"Right, let's do whatever we have to do," said Link.

They both ran up to the bars surrounding the ranch and saw someone from Eagleland, Ness's game.

"Aren't you… Paula's mother?" asked Ness.

"Why yes, I am."

"I think that the woman you're meeting with is supposed to be an old hag," said Link before he got bitch slapped through the bars.

"So Paula is acting as Chocolat, the bitch of the game. I see…"

Paula's mother smiled. "It's nice to see you, Ness. I saw the oracle, and I hope that the chosen will be able to release the Mew and save all of Lylat…"

"This world is called Lylat?" asked Ness.

"Why Fox's world though?" asked Link.

"It kinda makes sense. It's one of the largest 'worlds' since it's an entire galaxy, so Hack named Sylvarant as Lylat. I wonder what Tethe'alla is named…"

"Psh, whatever. I can totally kick that fox's ass any time."

"…Right, whatever."

Link gasped as he saw Paula's mother's hand. "Hey, isn't that a pokeball on your hand?" he asked.

The mother held her hand up, looking at the back of it to see a miniature pokeball stuck in the center. "That's what it's called? That's what they put the moment I was taken here."

"But there's no pokemon seal on it," said Ness.

"Hey, I'm supposed to say that," Link muttered.

"You're too stupid to know, though. You can't fix a necklace if your life depended on it."

Link let loose a sweat-drop. "Shut up! Well a pokeball is dangerous without a seal on it, so I can get my…" He looked at Ness. "…My father?"

"Yeah, he can fix one up for you, Paula's mother!"

"Thank you, Ness…" the woman thanked him, but not before some Team Rocket Grunts started to come over and noticed her not working.

"Hey you! What are you doing?" one of the grunts yelled.

"Run! You two must run!" Paula's mother pleaded.

"Okay, let's go!" Ness cried as he grabbed Link's arm and ran away into the bushes.

"What's with that look on her face?" Grunt One asked as he looked at Paula's mother's face.

"Um…"

"You need some respect, you little bitch!" Grunt Two yelled as they both began to whip her relentlessly.

"They're whipping her! What the heck?" Link muttered angrily.

"We have to run though, that's what she wanted!" Ness cried. If you actually know how Genis felt about leaving Marble behind, you should recognize what's supposed to be funny here.

"No, I'm not leaving her behind. I'll climb up on a cliff and you attack them with fireballs. Then you hide, and I'll be running. They'll see the back of my head, but they won't see my face so they won't know it's me!"

"Wow, a neat plan if we pull it off!"

"…No, I was just reading the script."

"…Figures. Let's go."

Ness hid behind the bushes while Link made gargantuan jumps over cliffs as if he was Luigi. He was over the ranch now upon a cliff, looking over the whippings. He gave Ness a signal by giving him a thumbs up. Ness lifted his head out from the bushes and cried out…

"_PSI ROCKIN OMEGA!!!_"

He held out his kendama but nothing came out. The two grunts beating Paula's mother looked at him, hearing his loud voice.

Ness could only muster one word.

"…Shit…"

Link could only muster two words.

"…You idiot…"

He jumped down the cliffs and began to run, but the grunts already saw Ness and dashed for him.

"Bring it on!" Ness cried as Link joined him in the fight. "Here comes my trump card! Nut Cracker!"

"DOH!"

"OUCH!"

"SHIT!"

"Crap, I overdid it…"

The two grunts and Link were on the ground, holding their masculine jewels.

"Ass… Why me…" Link muttered as Ness lifted him up telekinetically and dashed away, away from the beginning of the Forever Forest.

A blue-suited woman was standing in an office, looking at a TV surveillance camera.

"…How does an elf make that kind of jump?"

BAM! She felt a shock through her suit caused by Hack. Dark Samus jumped into the air (aka Forcystus, because they both have arm cannons. Get it?)

"…How does a human make that kind of jump?"

* * *

**Scene: Young Link's House**

Ness had left Link a while ago back to Toad Town, but Link had something to say when he reached the two-floor cabin directly outside the Forever Forest.

"WHAT? Young Link is my father? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!!!!!!" Link screamed his lungs out.

Young Link walked out from the door, smirking. "I was chosen to be Dirk because I'm one of the craftier, smaller people that could work out the roll. We're both related too, so supposedly it fits."

"Dude, you are **younger** than me, but you're my **father** in this story. What the hell is going on?"

"Just some weird role assignments, that's all," Young Link answered. "So… welcome back, Link"

"I still think this is really weird… I'm fine, then."

"You're supposed to ask me about the pokeball seal."

"Oh, right. Can you make a seal for a pokeball? I met someone with an attached pokeball without a seal, which is supposedly dangerous, right?"

Young Link nodded. "Yeah. You must've went to Team Rocket's base then, didn't you?"

Link shifted his eyes suspiciously. "Um, no. I just met a hot chick with an unsealed pokeball."

BAM!

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Link cried as he ran around, his butt set on fire with an arrow stuck on it.

"Don't lie, I have total power over you," said Young Link. "The Grunts haven't seen your pokeball, have they?"

"No, they didn't. What's so special about…" Link flipped through the script. "…my mother's pokeball anyways?"

"The Grunts killed your mother to get to it. Don't go off trying to avenge her. Don't go wasting your mother's sacrifice and her pokeball."

"Yeah, yeah, like I care about some mother that I never knew," said Link.

"I'm just following the script."

"So you'll make the seal, right?"

"Yeah, since I'm so much better than you!" Young Link smiled.

"Man, this is unbelievable. I'm leaving…" Link sighed as he left the house, now outside. He was about to walk across the tiny stone bridge when he saw Ness, Zelda, Peach, and Marth. "Crap, it's Peach…" Link whispered.

CLANG!

"What was that?" Peach asked evilly.

Young Link briefly looked out of the window to see Peach, then he squeaked as he jumped into a bed, hiding under the sheets. The party walked in, spreading out a bit.

"You were supposed to get me a birthday present, you know!" Zelda yelled at Link.

"I'm sorry, I never knew that you had a birthday!"

SLAP!

"Whatever. We're leaving for the regeneration tomorrow. It'll be too dangerous for you since you're so childish."

Link rubbed his bruised face. "What did you say?"

"Hey Zel! We're leaving now!" Marth called out from outside.

"Okay, see ya!" Zelda cried as she jumped off of the balcony and on the ground. Link sighed. "If it'll make you feel better, you can come with us tomorrow… But we'll ditch you anyways, even with that promise."

"Then what's the point?" Link asked.

"Just following the script."

"Screw the script!"

The next morning, Link woke up from his bed, finally finishing a crudely made necklace. It was made of random stones glued together, and they smelled more like pigeon fertilizer…

"You have to be the worst craftsperson I have ever met," Young Link sighed.

"Shut up! Where's that seal for Paula's mother anyways?" Link asked. Young Link took out a little blue sticker and handed it to Link. "Thanks. I'm leaving now. I hope I won't have to see you again."

"Trust me, you will," Young Link smirked.

However, just past the bridge, Ness and Epona were waiting for Link.

"Hey, what's going on?" Link asked.

"Well Zelda, Peach, and Marth already left for the regeneration," said Ness.

"Psh, whatever."

"You're supposed to say that you wanted to go with them."

"Eh, whatever."

"Well anyways, let's just go back to Toad Town to see what we have to do next," said Ness.

"Right," Link agreed as he mounted Epona and they started towards the Forest when…

"Shit, we have to go through that Forever Forest again, don't we?" asked Link. "How did you and the other get here so quickly anyways?"

"Hack teleported us," said Ness. "Plot hole. But… I don't think… We can skip it this time…"

They both paused, looking at each other.

"SHIT!!!!" They both cried.


	6. Houses can be Deadly

Hack: I'm afraid this isn't my best work as of now, but it'll do for now. Just another chapter for the fun parody, and apologies for the late update… AGAIN!

Mario: We need a party for this new late update! Kirby, cook food!

Kirby: I've already got some food! And now… (eats all of the food he prepared and rubs his stomach) …yum… that reminded me of my times back home…

Everyone else: …

Link: So… What's up with the title of this chapter? 'Houses can be Deadly'?

Ness: Yeah, I'm starting to be a bit scared of that…

Hack: Don't Worry! You won't die! Just watch!

Falcon: For you gals out there, Hack doesn't own me or anything else, so I'm free for ya'll!

Fox: (bashes Falcon on the head) You perv.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Houses can be Deadly**

**Scene: Toad Town**

"I wonder what's going on back in Toad Town…" said Link as he came into the town. "Ness told me that Toadette wanted to see me really quickly in Zelda's house, so I might as well go!" He held out a mirror, groomed himself for a few seconds to be ready for Zelda.

"I have a bad feeling about this…" Ness muttered as Link kicked open a door of one of the cabin-like house.

What they saw was beyond their dreams. They saw a nude toad dancing on his bed.

"So what if my wife ditched me? I shall dance naked… WITH PRIDE!" The random toad yelled. He turned around to see the disgusted Link and Ness. "What the hell, man? Why ya lookin' at my weener?"

"Oh snap! Wrong house!" Link muttered as he turned around and began running away without closing the door.

"Don't leave me with this crazy old guy!" Ness cried as he ran with Link. Several toads came out to see what the commotion was about and saw through the door, seeing the nude old toad.

"Uh oh, they see mah weiner, yo!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" All the other toads cried as they gouged their own eyes with alcohol, then screamed more with pain, falling to the ground and now blind.

Link and Ness were finally far away from the disgusting toad.

"Link, you don't just kick open doors you know…" Ness panted. "There's something called _knocking_…"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Impulsive, dude!"

"This time, I'll pick the next house!" Ness knocked on the door calmly. When there was no reply for a minute, they walked in.

"I don't think they wouldn't reply a knock on the door if it was Zelda's house," said Link.

Ness quickly saw the logic in Link's answer, and began to turn back, but the door was already open.

"Wonder whose house this is anyways, since the door's already open...?" said Ness when he suddenly received a big shock in the neck after walking past a certain point. Link crouched down and poked the floor, which release a little bit of electricity. He stood up again after massaging his pained finger, just to see a flying spiked frying pan fly into his face out of nowhere.

"This must… be… Peach's… house…" Link muttered, his back on the ground and his nose bleeding.

"Crap… I forgot… my house is booby… trapped… because my sister just… had to be Peach…" Ness also stuttered.

After an hour of trying to get back on their feet and another hour trying several more houses, they finally reached the correct house.

"Ah, Link! Ness! It's you!" Toadette cried, standing up from her wooden cabin chair. "Zelda left a letter for you!" She handed a quick envelope to Link, who opened it urgently.

'Dear Link,

You really are stupid when I said we were ditching you, but I guess that's how the script goes. I'm already out with Marth and Peach, and I'm being tortured by Marth getting his butt kicked by Peach constantly, but that's how life is. We already left for my journey, so we left you two behind. That includes the midget. Bye!

Love Zelda'

"Wow, that was a very nice love letter," Ness sarcastically complimented.

"Why thank you, Ness" Link sarcastically thanked Ness.

KA-BOOM!

"HOLY SHIZ WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" Both Link and Ness yelled as they almost jumped into the ceiling. They both ran out of Zelda's house and saw another random house on fire. The nude toad was on fire, dead from being burned.

"Okay, we did not need to see that," one of the Team Rocket Grunts said, tapping his whip on the ground.

"We did our job here, sneer sneer and burn burn!" the other Grunt said.

"Shit, the village is burning!" Link cried. "I mean, there's fire everywhere now!" It was true. Just about every other house was on fire.

"If a village is burning, then of course many of the houses are burning!" Ness said, rolling his eyes.

"Well you're very nice…" Link pouted. He used his wooden sword to instantly take out one Grunt while Ness whacked the other Grunt in the head with his kendama.

"Holy shit! You knocked someone out with that lame kendama!" Link cried. "It'd be hilarious if Zelda were here. She's missing out on it…"

"…" Ness's eyes turned red. "NUT CRACKER!"

CRACK

**Scene: Toad Town (Outside of Peach and Ness's house)**

"YEOW! This house is impossible to burn!" another Team Rocket Grunt cried as he backed away from the trap-filled house. He had several thumbtacks stab him in the legs.

"You little wuss! I'm a lot braver than you!" The other Grunt cried as he bravely walked in.

BAM! POW! KABOOM! ZING! BOOM! WHACK! HSSSS! CLANG! NUT-CRACKED!

The second so-called brave Grunt came walking out, holding his crotch with his right hand and his frying-pan whacked head with his other hand, then he fell to the ground, unconscious.

"…Yeah, anyone who knows that's Peach's house is smart enough not to mess with it," said Ness.

"I heard a BAM! POW! KABOOM! ZING! BOOM! WHACK! HSSSS! CLANG! NUT-CRACKED! from that house," said Link. "What are those?"

"Let's see… BAM is a metal fist in the stomach, POW is a chandelier crashing into the person's back, KABOOM is a mini bomb making that person very pitch black and in ashes, ZING is slipping on a very wet towel covering several ice balls and falling on the face, BOOM is several missiles blowing up the person, WHACK is a metal hammer slamming into the person's face, HSSSS is a fully heated metal tong stuck up into the person's butt, CLANG is a metal frying pan onto the person's face, breaking every bone on it, and NUT-CRACKED…"

"Huh?"

"…I don't recall Peach making me set up a nut-cracker trap."

The first Grunt gathered his courage and walked in to burn the house. NUT-CRACKED! He stepped on the edge of a rake and it swung up, the other end hitting the grunt's balls. The other end also had a spiked mace on it.

"Yeah, I'm glad I'm not them…" Link shuddered at the thought of going through all of those traps. "The last one is enough to last me a life-time!"

"The last one is enough to last me my afterlife, Link," said Ness. "But on the bright side, it's not burned down. We might as well go back to the entrance of Toad Town."

The two ran back to the entrance after passing by several different houses on fire and saw several toads in a wall, facing Dark Samus and a battalion of Team Rocket Grunts.

Dark Samus took out a sheet of paper and looked at it, reading off of it. "Ness! Come forth for your punishment, as you have been caught trespassing our base!"

"Huh? Me? You're supposed to get Link!" Ness cried.

"Yeah, get Link!" A blue toad cried. "He's the one who hates this village! He admitted that we're stupid!"

"What? When did I say that?" Link asked, glaring at the blue toad.

* * *

**Scene: FLASHBACK!**

"_I'm going to go to the temple! That's where Team Rocket went!" Zelda cried with a fake tone of worry._

"_Peh, the Toadsworths are going to be there, they'll all be safe…" Link sarcastically said._

"_Um, Link? Toads are generally really weak and defenseless, which is how Peach gets kidnapped in Mario games by Bowser so easily."_

_Link rolled his eyes. "Naw, really? Don't you know what sarcasm is?"_

* * *

**Scene: Toad Town Gate**

END FLASHBACK! "Oh, right. But Zelda's the one who said that you're weak and defenseless because you can't protect Peach for shit!" Link defended himself.

"Ahem, you were the one who started the insulting!" the blue toad replied. "Change the name! We want to see punishment for the green-hatted elf that insulted us!"

K-ZAP! Hack came down after zapping the blue toad.

"Okay, I'm getting really annoyed by this. This is the second time that someone called Link an elf!"

Dark Samus let out a small cough.

Hack ignored him. (Yes, I'm calling Dark Samus a male because technically Dark Samus is Metroid Prime. It just makes more sense to me.) "So any more references to Link being an elf… That person will have to deal with me."

"Woo! Hack is finally on my side!" Link cried joyfully. "I hate being called an elf!"

"Well you do have pointy long ears…" Ness muttered. "It isn't too difficult to mistake you for an elf."

"But I'm not an elf! I'm a Hylian! A **Hylian**!!!!!"

"Right, well continue on," said Hack.

"Wait, what about me being on the punishment list of Dark Samus?" Ness asked. "Can't I get any repentance for that?"

"Um, no. I made it that way because I hate you since you don't listen to me."

"Gr… NUT CRACKER!"

CLANG!

"I have the power right now, Ness," said Hack. "I'm wearing a metal cup so you can't do that now! HA HA HA!!!!" Then he instantly disappeared.

"…Well since you've been caught invading our Ranch, Link…" Dark Samus continued. "You are entitled to punishment! Hand over that pokeball!"

"Okay, I don't really give a damn about it," said Link.

Ness tiptoed to reach Link's hear and then whispered, "You're supposed to protect it with your life."

"What? This lame thing?"

"Young Link told you it was your mom's, you know."

"Screw him! I'm older, sexier, and stronger than him! I don't see why he's my step dad right now!"

"Come on, less arguing, more action!" cried Dark Samus. "Release the beast!"

"Kill Link! He set fire on our town!" The toads cried.

Link drew his sword and Ness drew his kendama. "You really don't need to write that Ness drew his kendama, Hack," said Link.

"Hey! No more reading the text! It's for the readers!" Hack cried from the sky. "…But I agree with you since a kendama is quite pathetic…"

"Hey! I heard that!" Ness cried.

The monster came walking into the Toad Town gate and leaned over Link and Ness. It drooled over them, dropping yellow disgusting saliva on them.

"Ew, this is disgusting!" Link cried, waving his sword to block the dripping saliva.

"No really… This is getting out of hand…" said Ness. A scroll of spells appeared before him and he can still only use his six basic skills. "…Um, let's try this… _Aqua Edge_!"

Three discs of water shot out from Ness's kendama, spinning across the ground at lightning speed. They flew through the monster, slicing through its legs and causing it to trip. Problem is, it hit Link at the same time.

"OUCH!!!" Link cried, holding his bleeding ankles. "Watch where you're aiming that!"

"Whoops… Sorry…" Ness muttered.

"Whatever… Give me the list of my attacks!" Link cried as another scroll appeared before him. Only a small handful of level one attacks were shown. "This is it? How can I make a lame combo with this?"

"I don't think it's possible right now, all you can really do is attack normally then follow it up with a level one technique," said Ness.

"That's gay! I want some sexy attacks now! GIVE ME COOLER TECHNIQUES!!!" Link bellowed.

"Geez, stop acting like Marth, you're not even as good looking as him."

"Hey, so you're admitting you're gay."

"…I never said that. I meant that you're uglier than Marth, and Marth actually has reason to act sexy."

Link looked at Ness as he avoided a slash from the monster. "But you're comparing two guys' looks!" he cried.

"It's obvious from all the fan-girls that Marth has!"

"Oh, right. But Roy has more."

"I recall that Marth has more fan-girls," Ness replied as he rolled from another earthquake attack from the monster. "But then does the number of fan-girls really determine how hot a guy is?"

"You're saying so since you're saying that Marth is sexier than me because he has fan-girls and I don't."

"…Right. I guess I just contradicted myself," said Ness. Then he muttered under his breath, "…outsmarted by Link… how embarrassing…"

Link ran up to the big monster and slashed it three times, causing it to roar in pain. He remembered one of the techniques in his list and decided on one. "_Demon Fang_!"

He let loose a small white wave of slicing wind at the monster. It was extremely tiny, by the way, and it added on a tiny bit of extra damage.

"That's it? That is not worth my four TP!" said Link. "I only have about thirty anyways!"

"Ha! I have about twice as much!" Ness bragged, looking at his own stats.

"Oh shut up!" Link angrily replied as he took out the monster with another quick combo. The monster fell to the ground, roaring in pain.

"Wha… He took out the monster!" Dark Samus cried.

"Lord Dark Samus!" one of the Grunts cried, pointing at Link's hand. "He has a pokeball, the one we've been after!"

"What? It's the one from the Pokeball Project! Give it here!"

"Fuck no! Don't touch me! I thought you already noticed it before too!" Link drew his hand back from Dark Samus's hand.

"...Shut up! So be it," said Dark Samus as she shot phazon at Link. He swiftly dodged to the side and came up beside Dark Samus, then jumped with his wooden sword out, whacking Dark Samus's head with an uppercut.

"Ha! You can't hurt me with a wooden sword!"

"I feel like something else is supposed to happen…" Ness muttered as he looked at the monster that was still alive.

Suddenly, the monster jumped on top of Dark Samus and exploded. Just like that. All the soldiers around her were sent flying everywhere, but Dark Samus was nowhere to be seen. Guts flew everywhere, especially onto Link and Ness since they were closest.

"Ew… Just what was that monster?" Ness muttered, wiping green slime off of his face.

The blue toad came up to the two of them. "Look at this! You burned our village down, and because of you two I am kicking you two out!"

"Wait! They wanted Link! Why me?" asked Ness.

"Hey! You're supposed to stand up for me, you idiot!" Link muttered.

"But the Team Rocket Commander wanted the little punk first. Therefore, I hereby prohibit you two from entering Toad Town ever again!"

"Right, like we care…" Ness and Link both muttered. Then they both left through the gate silently.

"Who would care about a village with a naked old toad dancer?" asked Ness.

"Who would care about a village with tons of retarded toads in general?" asked Link.

"WE HEARD THAT!" All the toads screamed.

"Crap, let's run for it!" Ness cried as they both ran from the mob of toads.


	7. Angry Ness is Violent

Hack: Another super late chapter, mostly because I was out on summer vacation for three weeks. I swear, this is a valid excuse! Please don't kill me!

Mewtwo: Please, no excuses. The last two or three chapters have been months late. Will you be repeating this for the rest of the chapters?

Ness: You DO know that I have to be acting for probably over a hundred chapters or something since the game is very long… I don't want to work so long because of your insane delays!

Hack: I… Am… Tired! I am suffering Jetlag! That's my excuse. Mwah ha ha…

Fox: Jetlag? What kind of modern-age bs is that?

Ness: It's very evil… It's when you ride an airplane across the world or something and the time difference screws your body's sleeping schedule over. You either have to sleep at times you're not supposed to, or you can't sleep when you have to sleep. Or both…

Mario: Mama mia… What a horrible thing!

Hack: Yes, yes, jetlag is very evil.

Mewtwo: That is still not a valid excuse.

Hack: Gah! Shut up! I'm starting the chapter now!

* * *

**Chapter 6: Angry Ness is Violent**

**Scene: The Desert Outside Toad Town**

"Yawn…" Link yawned. "This sight is so boring… Just plain old endless desert."

"At least we're still alive," replied Ness. "If it weren't for your insulting of the toads, we wouldn't have had to run."

"Good thing a storm came in…"

* * *

**Scene: Right Outside Toad Town**

Fifteen minutes ago…

"My god, this is insane!" Ness cried. "They took out army tanks! Helicopters! They're really intent on killing us!"

"Since when did toads have tanks and helicopters?" asked Link. "I mean, they never even fight! They're defenseless, which is why Peach was always captured!"

"We heard that!" The toads cried, firing grenades. Link and Ness screamed, diving forward to avoid a huge explosion.

"But it doesn't really make sense since Peach is super evil herself…" said Ness. "I mean, she can definitely fend for herself since she's the devil of the universe after all."

"Be happy she's not around here…" said Link. "Her ears of Satan can hear from miles away…"

"Ha ha, true…"

They both looked back after getting back on their feet and saw that the toads were slowly gaining in on them.

"We should fight them off since they're catching up to us…" said Link.

Ness looked back again and saw a horrifying Transformer about to fire several grenades.

"Hell no! Make a run for it!" Ness cried, dashing forward as fast as he can.

"Wait, why?" asked Link. Then he looked back to see a bunch of grenades blow up on him.

BOOM!

Hack sighed to himself, not heard by anywhere else since he's in the sky. "Man… it's only the first two percent of the story and things are already out of hand…" He held up his hands and a huge hurricane blew away all of the toads, along with Link and Ness.

* * *

"Don't remind me of that, that was darn painful…" Link muttered. "It seems like the tornado was aimed at us… Kinda weird."

"Can't be as painful as Peach's house…" said Ness. Link nodded in agreement.

"Look, there's a town out there!" Link pointed out.

"In the middle of the desert?" Ness asked. Link nodded. "We might as well go…"

* * *

**Scene: Gerudo Fortress**

"Yes! A town from my world!" Link cried in joy.

"Look at the name, stupid!" Ness bashed Link on the head. "It's a FORTRESS! I don't know why it's taking place of the Triet city in the desert… And don't Gerudos hate men?"

"You'll be surprised," said Link, taking off his cap and flipping his hair.

"…I don't like the looks of this…"

They both walked into the center of the town and suddenly there was a huge stampede of Gerudo women.

"! It's Link!" All the Gerudo cried. Link smiled, waving at them. Suddenly, he was jumped by about a hundred Gerudo. Ness stood there, his jaw on the ground.

"…Oh…Kay…"

"So ladies, how ya been?" asked Link.

"Who would've thought Link had his own fan base…" Ness walked up to the walls and saw something very interesting. "Hey! Link! We're wanted by Team Rocket!"

"Who's this little brat?" asked a Gerudo.

"Um… Just a friend of mine, this little brat is with me. She's also got a punky little weapon called a kendama."

"Oh, so she must be a tom boy!"

"What? I am not a girl!" Ness cried out.

"Shhh! Do you want to be caught?" Link asked.

"I'll get you for this…"

"And the wanted posters, we put a lot up not to capture our Link, but to decorate our fortress," said the Gerudo.

"…I see you've covered every square inch of all walls with wanted posters of Link…" said Ness. "I don't know how I found my own covered under all these wanted posters."

Ness weaved his way through the Link wanted posters and saw his own. It said…

'**Wanted: Nerdy Girl with Wimpy Weapon**'

"…I am going to kill whoever made this poster…" Ness muttered, his eyes flaring with heat.

Link simply stood silent, smirking. Then he whispered to the Gerudo, "It was a bribe to Team Rocket, so they'll put that up instead of Ness."

All the Gerudo giggled madly. Ness turned around, his kendama wielded.

KABOOM! NUT-KRACKED!

* * *

**Scene: Gerudo Fortress Team Rocket Base**

"So apparently the Gerudo you were talking to was a Team Rocket member in disguise…" Ness muttered. "And me blowing you up set him off, letting him capture us very easily. How can you be caught off guard so badly?" he screamed at Link. By the way, they were both trapped behind prison walls.

"Hey… You're the one who blew me up…" Link muttered.

"And most of all… **I'm not supposed to be in here!**" Ness screamed.

"Hey! Prisoner! Shut up!" The Rocket guard yelled as he threw a piece of machinery at Ness's head. Ness was knocked out for the fifth time.

"Heh, thanks…" said Link.

"I'm seriously considering releasing that little brat… He's so annoying and he's causing too much havoc."

"Plus he's not supposed to be in here!" Link said with a hopeful look.

"But no, orders are orders. I can't release you two."

"Please? I'm too cute to be jailed up!" Link pleaded, giving a cute-eye look.

"…Do you take me for a fool?" the guard asked with a disturbed look before knocking out Link through the prison bars as well.

After a couple hours…

"I'm not even supposed to be here!" Ness cried. "I'm only a little kid for goodness sake!"

"**SHUT UP!**" The guard and Link both cried at Ness. Ness cowered before them.

"Fine… What about that ring you got in the temple, Link?" he asked.

"Uh, this ring? Forgot what it did…"

"Remember Zelda set Marth on fire with it?"

"Oh! Right!" Link pointed it at the guard and fired another fireball.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The guard cried, running around and set ablaze.

"Score!" Both smashers cried. However, the guard pulled a lever nearby and an alarm sounded throughout the whole base.

"Shit…" the two muttered before the guard fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Now we can't get his key," said Ness.

"What, this key?" Link asked as he held up a silver key. "I got it from the guard when we were plotting how to stop you from complaining."

"…NUT CRACKER!"

* * *

**Scene: Weird Room with Electric Generators**

"What the heck is that?" Link asked.

"Must be some sort of electric generator…" Ness answered. In front of the huge generator was a small white machine, and to the sides were two blue squares. At the other side was a door that was apparently locked.

"And behind us were a ton of guards thanks to you," said Link.

"Hey! I didn't set the guard on fire and make him activate the alarm!"

"Well you were being an annoying git and complaining all day."

"I've had enough of this, Link! I'm not going to bother with the nut cracker, prepare to be toasted you idiot!"

"Where are those guys?" a guard came in, asking the other guard. They shrugged, walking to the blue squares. One of them took out a large robot and shocked it in place above one of the blue squares, activating a blue square.

Ness, angry at Link, cried very loudly, "PSI THUNDER GAMMA!"

Only a small bolt of lighting fell from the ceiling, but Link immediately jumped out of the way, in the guard's line of sight.

"Oh shit…" he muttered, rolling away from the guards who shot out their whips. Ness shot another bolt of lightning, but missed Link. Instead, it hit the other blue square, activating half of the generator.

The door opened!

"Suh-weet!" Link cried, making a break for the door.

"Get back here you &&(#&Q(#!" Ness cried, chasing after Link through the door and knocking down the Team Rocket guards down by running through them.

* * *

**Scene: Bedroom**

Fox (aka Yuan) yawned, sleeping in his bed. "What a great day… I don't see why there should be any problems with Team Rocket today…"

"ALARM! INTRUDERS!" an alarm sounded in his room.

Fox picked up a walkie-talkie. "You guys can handle it, just take care of it while I take a nap." He laid his head back, closing his eyes…

Link snuck into the room, closing the door behind him. "Phew, what a crazy maniac…"

BOOM!

Ness knocked down the door with his kendama and knocked Link down. Fox woke with a start as Ness summoned another bolt of lightning to zap Link.

"What is going on here? Who the heck woke me up?" Fox asked very angrily, wielding his grenade launcher.. "And why are you here? You aren't supposed to be captured!" he pointed at Ness.

"Um…" they both said. Fox immediately blew them up with a missile. Soon, Falco immediately ran into the room.

"We got an alarm that said that Zelda's group is coming," he said. Then he added with a tone of annoyance, "_Sir_…"

"Right. But I already got an alarm that said intruders are coming," said Fox.

"Right, that alarm was about Link and Ness who weren't supposed to activate the alarm."

"Wait, we didn't activate that alarm!" cried Ness, getting back up. "It was the guard that we were supposed to knock out with the Sorcerer's Ring!"

"Right, everything he said," said Link, not having a clue about what's going on.

"Okay, I have to leave then. If he sees me, all of our plans will be ruined. Take care of them, Falco." Fox then left through the door.

"Wait, who's he? Is that me?" Link asked Falco. "Because I must be pretty hot."

"For the last time, **stop acting like Marth!**" Ness cried as he struck Link with another lightning bolt.

"Did someone call the sexy swordsman?" Marth asked as he and Zelda came into the room. "You really have a bad temper, you know!" he said. Zelda had her hands on her hips.

"Ness!" She cried. "You were supposed to call us!"

"Well I wasn't supposed to be in prison with Link! I ended up here because he just HAD to flirt with all the Gerudo!" Ness replied, kicking Link in the shins repeatedly. "I hate him!"

"Hey! I'm irresistible around them!" Link replied in defense. "You're acting more like Peach!"

"Good then! I hope she takes care of you!" Ness cried, kicking Link again.

"Link is irresistible around the Gerudo? We'll have to see about that," said Marth. "I challenge you to a duel!"

Falco, Ness, and Zelda looked puzzled, but Link smiled. "Right! We'll see how many fans we can get from Gerudo Fortress!"

"Man, oh man… A contest of fangirls?" said Falco. "As if having only Marth and Roy isn't enough…"

"Difference between Marth and Roy is that one is a pervert, one is a show-off," said Ness.

"Ah, that's true," said Falco. "So… I've been ordered to take care of you by my… _superior_…" he added an accent on that word. "So should we get started?"

"Let's!" said Link. "Sword Rain!" He stabbed Falco six times with his wooden sword before finishing off with a final thrust.

"Ha! You think that wooden toy can hurt me?" said Falco.

"Link, in RPGs, when we arrive in a new town, we're also supposed to shop for better equipment, NOT for fangirls!" Ness cried.

"It's my specialty area though, because it's in Gerudo Fortress!" Link cried.

"But I'm about to steal all of your fangirls because of my irresistible looks," said Marth.

"Stop arguing! _Grave!_" Falco cried. A large steel spike shot up from below Link, Ness, and Marth, striking all of them in the crotch at the same time.

"AHHHHH!" They all cried as four more huge spikes shot from the ground, striking them from the side each time. The three nut-cracked men fell to the ground, unconscious.

"My goodness, do I have to take care of everything?" Zelda asked. She shot her shuriken at Falco, but because of her lack of strength, it fell to the ground long before it reached Falco. "Shoot…"

"I'll be nice, you can try again," said Falco.

"Oh, thank you! You're such a nice bird!" Zelda complimented.

"Heh heh…" Falco blushed.

Zelda grabbed her shuriken from the ground and flung it at Falco at lightning speed. By reflexes, Falco suddenly turned on his reflector, deflecting it back at Zelda! It immediately sliced through her body, causing lots of pain!

"Wait, stop, stop!" Hack cried, coming into the scene. "Why do you have a reflector?"

"What am I supposed to do?" asked Falco. "Just stand by and get sliced in half?"

"You _won't_ get sliced in half, you won't die right now! You'll get yourself killed later in the game!"

"WHAT?"

"Rewind!" Then Hack disappeared. The scene went back to the shuriken about to hit Falco. Falco took the hit dead on, the shuriken knocking him out instantly.

"I think I got the hang of this!" Zelda cried happily. Then she looked at the three unconscious bodies next to her. "…Wow, this is going to be a hassle…"


	8. Perverted and Hot Guys

Hack: Yes, this is another update that is less than a month late.

Mario: Mama-mia! It's not so late!

Fox: Wow, we should definitely have a huge party over this.

Captain Falcon: Let's get the alcohol! The ladies!

Kirby: Let's get the food! (has Link's credit card and runs off)

Mewtwo: …I need an empty room…

Ness: Am I going to get beat up too much in this chapter?

Hack: We'll see… We'll see…

Ness: I don't like the sounds of that…

Link: Hack does not own Tales of Symphonia nor Super Smash!

* * *

**Chapter 7: Perverted and Hot Guys**

**Scene: Gerudo Fortress**

"So now is one of those times in RPGs where we can do pretty much whatever we want in a town?" asked Ness.

"If you ask me, you two were able to do that already," said Zelda.

"Well well…" said Peach. "I'm surprised you survived my beating after your mentioning me with Link."

"Ugh… You truly have the most devilish ears…" Link muttered.

CLANG!

A frying pan flew out of sight as Link fainted on the ground.

"I'm tired… I think we should take a nap," said Zelda, yawning loudly.

"Excellent idea! Allow me to escort you, the thing that we handsome princes do!" Marth cried, grabbing Zelda's hand and walking to the inn.

Peach looked at Ness and Link's unconscious body. "I'm not carrying that body," said Peach.

"But I'm such a weakling!" Ness cried.

CLANG!

"Do it. Be glad I left you conscious." Then Peach walked towards the inn as well.

"Why me…?" Ness groaned, carrying Link's body once again.

* * *

**Scene: Gerudo Inn**

"**Ahhhhh! What happened to our Linky-poo?**" The Gerudos cried as Ness carried Link into the inn.

"Peach here…" Zelda started, but Peach smiled too sweetly at Zelda. "…gave Link a couple of bottles of Gerudo Whiskey and made him pass out."

"Um… yeah…" Ness continued, sweating and about to lose his grip on Link. "He's a party guy…"

One of the Gerudo came up to Link seductively and stroked his head. "Wait…" she muttered. "There's a bump on here…"

Another Gerudo came in through the door, holding a frying pan. "Ma'am! A frying pan came flying out of nowhere and struck one of our mistresses, knocking her out! There is currently a huge bump on her head, and she is completely out cold!"

The Gerudo who was molesting Link looked at the bump, then at the frying pan, then at the bump, then at the frying pan, then at the bump, then at the frying pan, then at the bump, then at the frying pan, then at the bump, then at the frying pan…

"We get it, Hack, she's stupid!" Zelda, Ness, Marth, and Peach yelled.

Fine! The Gerudo looked at the bump, then at the frying pan. She added the two together…

"They are our enemies! Attack them!" The Gerudo cried. "Except don't hurt Link."

"Wait! What about me?" Marth asked, smiling handsomely.

All the Gerudo in the room looked at him for a couple minutes. Then their eyes became watery and they all jumped him at the same time.

"Wow, Marth, you already got their attention," said Ness. "I admit, that was pretty nice."

"Thanks, nobody can stand my sexiness!" Marth muffled out under the pile of Gerudo.

Peach looked around, noticing that all of the Gerudo were gone, then she jumped over the counter and edited the sleeping arrangements of the inn on the sheet of paper. She grinned evilly as she erased a name, then wrote down a few names, including her own. Then she checked the box that said, "Paid!"

"I think we'll leave Marth to his seducing…" said Zelda as she and Ness snuck away from the pile of Gerudo.

"Wait, we left Link behind!" said Ness.

"Don't worry, I've got it arranged," said Peach. "Let's get the room up there numbered 007."

"But don't we have to pay…?"

CLANG!

"Quiet!"

The three walked up the cabin-like stairs and walked into the room numbered 007.

* * *

**Scene: Room 007**

"Hey! What the heck are you doing?" the Gerudo in the room cried.

"You've been kicked out," Peach explained. "It's our room now. It's been a mistake."

"Wait, what?"

"Ness, go for it."

Ness nervously nodded. "NUT CRACKER!"

CRACK!

"OWIE!"

"Wait, Gerudo are women, they don't have nuts…" said Zelda, looking at the Gerudo holding her crotch. A mask fell off, and it revealed the masked face of…

"Captain Falcon?" The three smashers cried.

"Dude, you just… made me… lose my disguise…" said Captain Falcon, kneeling down. "And my… sex jewels…"

"You can't lose your balls to just my Nut Cracker," said Ness. "Trust me, there's a lot worse."

"Ness…. Be careful!" Zelda whispered in Ness's ear.

"Explain. Why have you taken our room?" Peach interrogated.

"Cuz, it's all gerudo!"

"Who the hell are you acting as anyways?" asked Ness.

"Yeah, that's interesting… If you're acting as someone, why are you here?" asked Zelda.

"Gerudo Fortress, man, all hot girls! I'm here to check 'em out! I even reserved this room for myself and another hot chick, but you had to ruin it!"

"Who are you acting as?" Peach repeated Ness's question.

"Um… That's a secret! Anyways, I don't have anything to do except wait at the entrance of a stupid trail for you guys!"

"Hm, what kind of guy is that?" asked Zelda.

"Well who cares, we're here to take this room and kick this pervert out," said Peach. "You have five seconds." She held up five fingers. "Five…"

"But what about my date?" asked Captain Falcon.

"Four…"

"Falcon, I suggest you leave before you get castrated…" said Ness.

"Three…"

"You just want this room to sleep with that Gerudo, right?" said Zelda.

"Two…"

"Snap, I really should make a run for it!"

"One…"

"No, really!" Ness and Zelda both rolled their eyes.

"You're dead!"

"Don't fail me now, legs of speed!" Captain Falcon said as he sped out through the open window, running at the speed of sound into the darkness.

"Well you can't do anything now, Peach, he's the fastest smasher out there…" said Ness as he turned around to not see Peach.

"Where did she go?" asked Zelda.

As if on cue, Peach came through the door, holding an unconscious Captain Falcon by his head. Then she threw him out of the window.

"…Wow… She's faster than Captain Falcon?" Zelda gasped, her hands over her mouth in amazement.

"We… need to be… more careful now…" Ness shuddered, clearly very frightened now.

"That takes care of that pervert."

"Peach, there are three beds in this room," Zelda pointed out. "How come we don't have five?"

"Oh, those two men. They'll just be stranded out there for being disobedient."

"Disobedient? Marth just saved us from being attacked by Gerudo!" Ness cried.

"Yeah, but I told him before to not show himself off to a mass of women. You and Link weren't there. I said it, right?" Peach turned to Zelda.

"I don't remember you saying…"

"**I said it, right?**"

"Y-Yeah, you told Marth that!" Zelda sputtered.

"Well I suppose the Gerudo love them so much that they can live outside..." muttered Ness.

* * *

**Scene: Inn Lobby**

After an hour of the Gerudo molesting Marth, Link finally woke up.

"Hey! What's happening here?" he asked.

Marth smirked. "I'm being loved more than you, Link."

"No way! Hey ladies, right here!" Link waved his sword. All the Gerudo turned to him, then rushed like a stampede. "Oh snap!" He ran out of the inn, through the door.

Meanwhile, Marth walked to the counter to see the Gerudo there finally working. She stared at him as he leaned on the counter. "Hey baby, since I saw three of my friends going into a room, I assume that I have a reservation here with my buddy? Name is Marth."

The Gerudo looked through her papers, then scanned a chart with her eyes. After a minute, she shook her head. "Nope, sorry handsome, you're not on here."

"Wait, what? Then can you look for the name Peach?"

"Sure, no problem you hunk-a-lunk," the Gerudo winked at Marth then looked through. "Yeah, there's a room with Peach, Zelda, and Ness. Just them three."

"What? I'm going up to talk with them!" Marth began to head up the stairs when he was prodded by two spears.

"Sorry, but no matter how sexy you are, you can't be an exception to our rules unless you beat Link in being more handsome, and you didn't," said one of the Gerudo.

"What? Link is more handsome?" Marth gasped. He drew his sword and headed for the exit. "I'm going out."

* * *

**Scene: Gerudo Fortress**

Link petted Epona. "Phew, I got away from all of them," he said as he removed one last wanted poster of himself off of Epona. "Sorry about those posters on you, girl."

"**Link!**" Marth came running at Link with his Falchion to his side.

"Hey Marth! What's up?" asked Link. "Did we get any reservations in the inn?"

"No, apparently not."

"Then why's your sword out?"

"Because I need you to..."

"...die?"

Marth kneeled before Link. "Teach me the art of sexiness!"

"What?"

"The Gerudo love you more than me!"

"Well… That's kinda cuz I'm sexy and handsome, but more because they know me more and that I'm super popular too!" Link winked at Marth.

"Huh… Well…" Marth stroked Epona as well. "I'm supposed to tell you that you suck at fighting."

Link drew his sword. "You wanna fight? I'll show ya that I'm not!"

"Dude! I'm just following the script for once!"

"Oh, right. The script."

"Anyways, Peach probably set a room for herself, Ness, and Zelda, but neither of us."

Link rolled his eyes. "Well it makes sense if it's me, but why you?"

Marth shrugged. "I have absolutely no clue. I followed all of her orders properly. Unless she told me not to attracted tons of ladies, then I can't do anything about it, but she never said anything like that…"

"Ah, nobody will understand the evil mind of the evil devil herself."

"…do I have to?" a timid adolescent voice muttered from the inn. Link and Marth looked up. "…I didn't hear anything…"

"Do it!" another booming, violent voice cried out.

"…NUT CRACKER!"

CRACK! THUD!

CRACK! THUD!

Link and Marth fell to the ground, holding their nuts and groaning in pain.

* * *

**Scene: Room 007**

"So…" Ness flipped through a script. "We're supposed to be doing something in this inn."

"We're supposed to have Link in here!" Zelda cried.

"Not really, he doesn't have any of the crafting skills that Young Link has."

Zelda sighed, putting her head in her hand.

"What is a pokeball anyways?" asked Zelda.

"A pokeball is something you store a pokemon in, you idiot!" Peach answered.

"No duh, she means in this story," said Ness.

KABOOM

"That's simple," Peach said, stepping over a charred body. "They just make you more powerful, but of course, they can mutate you if they don't have a seal."

There was a silence.

"I didn't expect your explanations to be that short, Peach," said Zelda.

"Bah, whatever."

* * *

**Scene: Gerudo Fortress**

"So what are we doing here now?" asked Link, eyeballing his non-wooden sword. They had just bought their equipment.

"Well we have to go to the Fire Temple now, don't we?" said Zelda, smiling. "After all, that's where the first seal is."

"You've all got your equipment, right?" asked Peach.

"Well the best we can get with the little money you gave each of us…" Ness muttered.

CLANG! THUD!

"I'm in control of our group's budget, you little rascal," said Peach.

"I think I should be for the millionth time, since I'm the chosen…" Zelda suggested. Link and Marth both nodded in agreement.

"No. Marth will spend it on cologne, Link won't use any of it at all, and you will spend it all on perfume," said Peach.

"But you spent it all on weapons!"

CLANG! THUD!

"Hey, the money was pointless anyways! Our currency was in coins, they don't accept coins! They have a different form of currency called rupees!" Ness cried, getting back on his feet. "So we had to steal the weapons!"

"So you're suggesting that we're wanted criminals?" asked Peach.

"We would be if it weren't for me," said Link.

"That's true…"

* * *

**Scene: Spirit Temple**

"Why is it called the spirit temple?" asked Ness. They were in a stone hallway with torches on the walls. It was very hot.

"Because! It's the temple near Gerudo Fortress!" Link answered proudly.

"Really? Then why is it spirit, not fire?" asked Ness.

"Why does it matter? We should move on," said Marth. "I mean, you guys can't handle the monsters without me."

Link, Ness, and Zelda stifled a cough.

"Treasure chest after treasure chest…" Link muttered. "This is reminding me of my quests in Twilight Princess, where over half of my treasure chests were pointless rupees."

"I remember playing that!" said Ness. "And it was so pointless because your rupees would be so full that you automatically put them back! It was such a waste of time to spend fifteen minutes on how to get to a treasure chest, just to find rupees that you can't fit into your wallet!"

Link's pocket bulged and several green, blue, and red rupees flooded out.

"Eh heh heh…" he muttered, scooping them back up. "…At least we saved money…"

"I admit, that was nice, sneaking rupees under my nose when we needed them instead of coins," said Peach. "But you pay the price…"

CLANG! THUD!

"And what's with this treasure chest? It actually moves!" said Marth, poking it with his long Falchion. Suddenly, it opened, revealing fangs!

"Oh boo hoo, an alive chest," said Zelda. "We can take care of it, right?" she said as she threw her chakram at it. One Damage.

"I think we made fun of Ness's weapon too much," said Link, getting back on his feet again. "I mean, Zelda's isn't any better now."

"At least it's ranged!" Zelda cried. "And for your information, I took out Falco with it!"

"Ah, good point," said Link.

Link, Zelda, Peach, and Ness turned to see Marth shoot several fireballs at the treasure chest, dealing a couple hundred damage.

"Hey! It's more vulnerable to magic!" Marth cried.

Ness nodded. "Got it. NUT CRACKER!"

There wasn't a crack.

"You idiot! Use something besides the Nut Cracker!" Zelda cried, slapping Ness against the head. "Treasure Chests don't have testicles!"

"This thing… won't… go… down…" Link panted, hacking away as each hit did only one damage each. "I guess it really wasn't just Zelda who did pitiful damage!"

"No duh!" Zelda cried. "If only if I had my magic from the goddesses…"

Even Peach had trouble doing more than one damage. Only Marth and Ness actually did a little damage.

"Wait, hold on, stand back, Ness," said Marth as he stood up, drawing his sword. Ness backed away, unsure. Marth smiled, then cried, "SEXY POSE!" He fluffed his hair, smiling handsomely as his sword shined more and stabbed the monster chest. It did a couple thousand damage. The chest fell down, dead.

"Wow…" said Ness.

"This attack… Is based off of the hotness of the user," said Marth.

"Really? Teach it to me!" Link cried.

"Hey! We should get a move on!" Zelda cried as she dragged Marth and Link by the ears and followed Peach and Ness through another door.


	9. Link's Injury Collection!

Hack: Yes, it's an update. Finally, you might be thinking. I seriously apologize for the lack of updates…

Ness: **Again!**

Hack: Um, yeah… Busy summer, all that fun stuff. Honestly I'm not that much into this story any more (unfortunately), but it isn't by any means dead. I'll try to update more often, but really I'm more focused on my other fanfic. Still look for updates though, because they will be coming!

Link: I don't like the looks of this chapter…

Mario: How so?

Fox: Look at the title of this chapter.

Mario: …Ah, You must be having a hard time, Link…

Link: (cries)

* * *

**Chapter 8: Link's Injury Collection!**

**Scene: Spirit Temple Main Chamber**

"We've searched every inch of this temple, and yet I can't find a way to that weird teleportation thingy!" Link moaned, pointing at a teleport pad on a higher ledge.

"Link! I keep telling you that you have the Sorcerer's ring for a reason!" Ness cried out.

"Why though?" asked Marth. "All it does is shoot a tiny fireball."

"Ah, but this tiny fireball helped me escape from the Rocket Base," said Link.

"And then you made the alarms go off," Ness sighed.

"By the way, where did Peach and Zelda go?" asked Link.

"Oh, I don't know, but I'm pretty **hot** in here," said Marth, winking and wiping his brow. "After all, nobody can resist this** hotness**."

"Please, do **not** try out puns again, Marth," said Zelda, who was standing right beside the teleport pad with Peach.

"How did you get up there?" asked Ness. "I demand you tell us!"

KABOOM!

Peach was juggling a few bombs in her hands, ignoring the charred Ness. "Well, little brat, while you men were arguing about pointless crap, Zelda and I had the smarts to make it up to here with fire."

"Oh! THAT'S what the sorcerer's ring is for! Burning stuff!" Link exclaimed, giving an expression of surprising. Everyone else fell over anime style.

"No really? Don't you think there was a reason for those unlit torches?" asked Zelda, rolling her eyes.

"Well we're going to leave you guys behind, don't bother coming," said Peach.

"Yeah, we'll be safe with me guarding these gals," said Marth, who was now standing next to Peach.

"Wait, how did _you_ get up there," asked Ness.

"My B-up move, Dolphin Slash. I didn't lose any of my abilities because none of them are magic or anything. We still can't double jump or that fun stuff though…"

"Man… Why do I have to be stuck with Link again?" Ness groaned.

"What's so bad about being with me?" asked Link.

"Everything," Ness grumbled.

"Right…" Link rolled his eyes, thinking it was sarcasm.

"…NUT CRACKER!"

CRACK

* * *

**Scene: Same Place After An Hour**

"So I light this little unlit thingy with this ring?" asked Link. He was standing on a square platform in front of an unlit torch, and Ness was standing far behind him.

"Yeah, then something should happen," said Ness. "I can't believe they left us behind… Even Marth!"

"Well what are you gonna do about it? You can't do anything about them, especially with the devil around," Link explained as he fired a tiny fireball at the torch. It lit up and the platform Link was on rose several feet into the air. Trouble is, Ness wasn't on it, and he was left behind.

"First the girls, then Marth, then you too?" Ness cried. "Why must I always be left behind?** Argh**!"

"Ness! This is unintentional! I can assure you that… I didn't mean to leave you behind…" Link then coughed unintentionally.

"That was a sarcasm cough, I knew it!" Ness accused.

"Wait, what? That was an accidental cough!" Link retaliated truthfully.

"No way! Don't lie to me! When I get up there, I'm going to make you suffer a pain much worse than Peach can inflict!"

"No way! Nobody can inflict a pain much worse than Peach!" Link cried as he began to take a couple steps back away from Ness.

"**Get back here, you idiot!**" Ness yelled.

Link gulped then he immediately made a run for it, narrowly avoiding another Nut Cracker. He reached the blue teleport pad and immediately activated it, teleporting to safety.

* * *

**Scene: Spirit Temple Shrine**

Marth panted; his sexy attack no longer worked because he was too dirty, so he was not sexy enough. The big huge fire chimera continued to attack him, Peach, and Zelda ruthlessly.

"How do I damage this thing with chakrams?" Zelda shrieked as she threw her discs again. The dog caught one in its teeth and chomped on it, eating it.

"That… isn't very pleasant," said Peach as she whacked one of the heads with a long staff. "At least my staff is doing damage, little girl."

Link teleported in just to see the chimera shoot a fireball at Peach, roasting her.

"YES! PEACH IS ROASTED!" Link cried.

"You might have to pay for those words soon, Link…" Zelda said cautiously.

"Nah, it'll be a while before she gets back up," said Link. "What happened to your sexy attack, Marth? I thought it would murder this boss!"

"I'm too dirty to use its full potential!" Marth cried. "Here, I'll teach it to you!" He threw a scroll at Link, who caught it deftly. He opened up the scroll, skimmed through it, then smirked.

"Okay, I'm going to own you!" Link cried. He took off his cap, fluffed his brown hair, and closed his eyes. He faced the fire dog and then threw his sword forward. "HIYA!"

KABOOM

* * *

**Scene: Main Chamber**

"How am I going to find my way up there?" Ness asked himself. "I can't PSI Thunder myself… I don't have those darn spells… Wait…"

He stood there, thinking. "That's it… It'll be painful, but it's my only choice. NUT CRACKER AT FULL POWER!"

Rocks flew up below Ness, cracking his balls very painfully. He gritted his teeth, bearing the pain. Suddenly, since the rocks were flying so fast, Ness was in the air! He dived forward and landed on the ledge above, just to see Marth, Peach, and Zelda leave the teleport pad (Marth carrying Link's unconscious body).

"Good thing Link was sexier than Marth!" Zelda laughed. "Marth's attack only shined once while Link's left a huge explosion!"

"Or maybe…" Marth said, gritting his teeth. "We're sexy in different ways…"

"Ha! You think that, Marth!"

"YOU MEAN I HIT MYSELF IN THE BALLS OVER A THOUSAND TIMES FOR NOTHING?" Ness yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Oh, Link left you behind? No wonder we didn't see you when we fought the boss," said Zelda.

"HELL YES HE LEFT ME BEHIND! I AM GOING TO KILL THAT #()!(#&#&("

"Wow, how many times has Ness gotten angry?" asked Marth.

"Never as many times as I," said Peach.

"No Peach, you just react to everything violently," said Zelda. "You don't have angry ten-minute outbursts every ten minutes."

Link groaned as he woke up, falling off of Marth's shoulder as he stood on his feet. "Ugh… what did I miss? I remember leaving Ness behind, then using a sexier attack than Marth's, then getting beaten by Peach because she's an ugly mofo…"

Ness, Marth, and Peach turned to Link with angry expressions, but Link didn't get the hint.

"Link… I think we should leave the temple now and find a place to sleep in Gerudo Fortress," said Zelda.

"Yeah, a place for Marth to check out girls. Of course you're not hot enough to be attractive to Marth, so it's perfect for Marth and I, the hot guys!"

Zelda joined the other three. In a second, Zelda, Marth, Ness, and Peach all jumped at Link at the same time.

* * *

**Scene: Gerudo Fortress Inn**

"Hm, aren't you supposed to collapse instead of Link?" Ness asked Zelda. Link was in a bed with bandages wrapped on every single square inch of skin.

"Hey, I threatened my dad that if he tried making me look like a pokemon, then…" She snapped her fingers, attempting to make a fireball, but failed. "Darn it! Well you get the idea."

"Ha ha… Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule…" Marth chuckled.

"Yeah, so we unlocked the fire seal, so what now?" asked Ness. "You're the chosen! You should know!"

"Hm, well… I'm not the super smart one here," said Zelda. "Obviously Peach is."

Link groaned. "…No… It's probably… Zel…"

BOOM!

After a few hours, they bought Link more health insurance and a cast, then they decided to sleep in the inn for the night.

* * *

**Scene: Gerudo Valley (aka Ossa Trail)**

"Huh? How did we get here?" asked Ness.

"Must be a plot hole," said Zelda, who is very smart and correct.

"Or…" said Link. "I think the author just got lazy and didn't want to talk about us leaving Gerudo Fortress and walking to here on the world map."

Link got a taste of Hack's anger by being zapped on the spot by a lightning bolt, just to add to his other million injuries.

"Link, you should really watch your mouth from now on…" Ness advised.

"Yeah, you've been getting beaten up lots in this chapter," said Marth.

"And I'm guessing for a good reason too…" Peach most certainly did not say.

"**Whoa!**" Link and Marth's eyes popped out of their heads.

Samus was not wearing her power suit. She wasn't even wearing her blue tight suit that she normally wears underneath. No, instead she was wearing that "revealing" attire that Sheena wore (at least revealing in the chest area).

Of course, in a second, Link got another injury added to his collection, and Marth got bitch-slapped.

"Why are they both going crazy?" asked Ness.

"…He hasn't gone through puberty yet, has he?" Peach asked Zelda.

"Don't ask me! You're supposed to know! You're his older sister in this parody!"

"So…" said Samus. "Who is the chosen here?"

Ness rolled his eyes. "No duh, it's Zelda! If you haven't been reading the story, then you wouldn't know, but of course you have been!"

Ness got cut in the face with a flying card.

"Don't get smart with me," said Samus, pointing her arm at Ness as if she had her arm cannon.

"Even without the arm cannon, it's really threatening…" Marth whispered to Link.

"Yeah, but be careful about what you say…" Link replied quietly. "Next to Peach, Samus has the most devilish aspects about herself, including her ears…"

BAM!

Link's face was bleeding again from Samus's card.

"Be glad I didn't find your comment insulting, Marth," said Samus.

"Yes, ma'am…" Marth whimpered.

"Samus! The chosen here is Zelda!" Ness cried, pointing at Zelda.

"Yeah, that's me, because I'm just that awesome!" Zelda cried, fluffing her hair.

"Oh really? We'll have to see about that!" Samus approached Zelda and Zelda approached Samus. However, Samus tripped over a twig and struck a lever! The floor beneath Zelda opened up, causing her to fall through the trapdoor.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…." Zelda's screams faded away as she fell.

"Um… Was that supposed to happen?" asked Link.

"No! It was Zelda who was supposed to trip and make Samus fall!" Ness replied.

"Ah, so Samus is the super clumsy one then?" Link asked again.

BOOM!

"Well then…" Peach grunted. "Since we need our chosen, and Samus is only here to kill the chosen, we should go through this 'dungeon' now. Any questions?"

Nobody said anything. Nobody dared argue with Peach.

So they just followed the path. Followed it. Kicked a few Team Rocket Grunt's butts.

"Wait, why are there Team Rocket Grunts on this path?" asked Ness.

"They're there to blockade us! Duh!" Peach replied.

"Or maybe they just want to see Samus?" Link asked.

BAM!

* * *

**Scene: Gerudo Valley – End**

"That was strangely quick," said Ness.

"Of course. My hotness led us through here really quickly!" Marth said.

"No, it's just that because Zelda and I switched roles," Samus explained. "The author wants us to get us through really quickly."

"It was also very linear and uneventful… Not very interesting dungeon," said Ness.

"Ah, that makes more sense than Samus's explanation," said Link.

BAM!

"Well the author probably got a bit lazy too," said Marth. "Because who wants to write about a long, linear path?"

Do you want to be zapped?

"I mean, the author's too good to write about a crap dungeon!" Marth panicked.

Thank you.

Zelda popped out of the wall. Very randomly.

"God, it's so dirty in there!" Zelda complained. "I mean, it's just a lame old cavern!"

"Finally! Let's get on with it!" Samus cried.

"Wait, we're supposed to fight you?" asked Marth.

"Well my goal is to kill Zelda, and if Zelda's dead, then it's game over, right?"

"…True. SEXY ATTACK!"

BOOM!

Samus was charred black, but she wasn't injured. She was merely pushed back a few feet.

"…What was that about?" asked Samus.

"I think you're too dirty and sweaty at the moment, Marth…" said Ness. "So it'll have minimal effect."

"Let me try it on the devil!" Link cried. "SEXY ATTACK!"

KABOOM!

Link was sent flying out of the valley and into the sky by a huge black explosion.

"…I guess because of his casts and band-aids and such, it backfired," said Ness, sighing.

"So you're all really weak right now?" Samus asked. "I mean, I'm supposed to be an easy boss."

Zelda threw her disc out of nowhere and it struck Samus on the head, knocking her out.

"…That was sudden," said Ness.

"Of course, that's why my apprentice was able to defeat this boss," said Peach.

"…Your apprentice?" asked Zelda.

"Because you're an inferior to me."

"…Um, okay…" Zelda said, unsure if she should say anything else because of her fear of Peach's wrath.

* * *

**Scene: Rogueport (aka Izoold)**

"Rogueport? Why Rogueport?" asked Marth. "I mean, it isn't exactly a rich place…"

"Obviously," said Ness. "Izoold's really poor and it's next to an ocean."

"And Rogueport is from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door," said Peach. "It's quite a rather poor place, like Izoold, and people can take boats to and fro."

"Ah, that kinda makes sense…" said Marth.

"Where is Link anyways?" asked Zelda.

"There's a hole on that roof all the way over there," said Ness, pointing at a normal-looking hut. "We might get some leads there. Let's go!"

* * *

**Scene: Rogueport – Ishnail's House**

"Oof…Where is this?" Link asked himself. "Am I already in the next town?"

"Oy! You!" A mafia-like snail-ish guy with sunglasses looked at Link. His name was Ishnail. (And if you remember, he's that guy in Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door that you had to ask about Don Pianta) "What are you doing in here in Rogueport?"

"Hey! Where am I? Rogueport? That's my next destination! I beat everyone!" Link cheered.

"And what you've just done is broken the roof of a mafia gang!"

BAM! BOOM! KABOOM!

"Nooooooooooo…" Link cried, getting his arse kicked by lots of mafia gangs.


	10. Link's Nut Cracker

Hack: Not the most eventful chapter, I know. Stuff in two towns basically. Some interesting things happen in inns though… mwah ha ha… Oh, and quite a few characters are revealed here. I apologize if your favorite characters got crappy roles (in your opinion), because these roles are going to be awesome! I shall bring them back like crazy. Anyways, enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 9: Link's Nut Cracker**

**Scene: Rogueport**

"Link… How much money do we have to waste on you for your stupidity?" Peach yelled at Link, who was in even more casts and band-aids.

"I'm sorry… It's not my fault that I crashed into a mafia gang's house in Rogueport!" Link yelled back.

BOOM! He received a face full of bomb-ombs from Peach.

"Peach, I think he took enough pain for the day…" said Ness. "Even I think he doesn't deserve this much, even after insulting all of us at the same time before."

"…You may have a point, I may be overdoing it," said Peach.

Zelda, Marth, and Ness smiled, obviously happy by this statement.

"But there's no harm in overdoing things!"

The three aforementioned smashers sighed. "Well we might as well rest in the inn, especially since Link is practically dead…" said Zelda.

"I need to clean myself up too… Refresh my hotness," said Marth. Ness slapped himself on the forehead.

* * *

**Scene: Rogueport Inn**

It was nighttime in the inn. The rooms were completely trashed. Wooden boards were strewn across the floor messily and the bed sheets had several stains. Flies flew around the dangling lights barely attached to the ceiling. The windows were cracked too.

"On second thought…" Zelda started. "I think I'd rather sleep outside…"

Ness pointed at the window. A hobo goomba was napping against the inn wall when a few bandits were sneaking towards him. In an instant, the goomba screamed in pain as one bandit flicked a rubber band at the goomba's eyes. Another bandit picked up the goomba, and the last grabbed all of the goomba's bags below where the goomba was sleeping. The first bandit grabbed the goomba's hat and stripped him of all his clothes, and then the three immediately sped off, leaving the goomba with red eyes, completely broke now.

"…On second thought…" Zelda started.

"Shouldn't you say third thought?" asked Marth. "I mean, you just said 'on second thought' a few seconds ago."

"But nobody ever says 'on third thought!'" Zelda replied.

"Then say something like 'Never Mind'!" said Ness.

"Stop arguing! I'm trying to get my beauty sleep!" Peach cried as she went back to sleep in her bed. Link was simply lying across the ground, still unconscious.

The three smashers that were awake sighed.

"…I'm bored," said Ness. "I want to go to sleep…"

"Go ahead, there are four beds," said Zelda as she took the currently cleanest bed out of the three remaining. Peach had the cleanest bed for obvious reasons.

One bed was completely stained yellow. The other was stained brown. Mosquitoes and flies were buzzing around both.

"I'll take…" Ness started, but Marth already got the yellow bed.

"Pee isn't as bad as crap," said Marth. "At least when we reach the next town, I can get a nicer shower…"

Ness grumbled as he lied down on his brown bed. It really did smell like crap.

"…Ouch!" Ness, Zelda, and Marth all cried out at the same time.

"…Stupid Mosquitoes!" They all said at the same time again, then they all glared at each other.

"…These mosquitoes are going to ruin my…" they all started to say.

"Dress!"

"Beauty!"

"Common Sense!"

Guess who said which.

If someone guessed that Zelda said dress, Marth said beauty, and Ness said common sense, that person is horribly wrong.

"You're not wearing a dress, Marth!" Ness cried out.

"I wanted to copy what Zelda says, but she apparently said Common Sense!" Marth replied.

"Wait, so you're saying I have no common sense?"

"Why did _you_ say beauty anyways, Ness?" asked Marth.

"I wanted to copy you!" Ness replied.

"And I was trying to be sensible!" Zelda angrily replied.

"**Quiet!**" Peach yelled out. All three smashers immediately closed their eyes and slept.

* * *

**Scene: Rogueport Deck**

"We're leaving… Finally…" said Ness.

Zelda, Ness, Peach, and Marth were standing on top of a wooden deck beside the shore. A few boats were moving in and out from the decks.

Link hopped to his 'friends', now with red eyes.

"Whoa! What happened? Mosquitoes bit your eyes?" asked Marth.

"No… I got… mugged…" Link groaned. "Rubber bands… on eyes… Hurt… More… than…"

He pointed at Ness.

"Wait, how do rubber bands hurt more than the nut cracker?" ask Ness. "There can't be a greater power than that!"

"Well I'm afraid there is…" said Zelda. "It also works on anything with eyes, not just humanoid males. But anyways, I really think we should take care of Link more…"

"Quiet. He deserves this punishment," said Peach.

"Look, there're two people arguing right now…" said Ness.

A small bomb-omb with a mustache and a spinning ship wheel attached on his back was yelling back at a yellow-skinned pianta with very dressy clothes.

"_I WANNA MEET WITH MY FRANKIE! I DEMAND YOU LET ME RIDE YOUR BOAT TO CRIMEA!" _The pianta screamed with a very high-pitched voice.

"But I'm too emo to sail because my wife died and it's all because I sailed that she died!" cried the bomb-omb.

For those who have not played Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door, the pianta is Francesca and the bomb-omb is Captain Bobbery.

"…We need to get a boat too," said Zelda, the most sensible out of the group.

"_OH, YOU'RE GETTING A BOAT FROM BOBBERY? THEN TAKE THIS LETTER TO FRANKIE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!_" Francesca screamed as she gave a letter to Zelda. "Oh, and remember to tell him that he needs to give me a thousand letters that say 'I love You', mmkay?"

Francesca then sped off faster than Peach can.

"…She out-speeds you," said Ness.

"Quiet!"

CLANG!

"So we want to get a boat to… Crimea?" asked Marth. "Yeah, Crimea."

"Too bad, because I make people die by sailing," said Bobbery.

"But by not letting us sail, you're letting even more people die," Ness pointed out. "She's the chosen."

Zelda smiled. "Yep, I am!"

"No go."

Link whispered to Peach. "We need your magic! Right now!"

"…Why? I don't want to sail," said Peach, her voice now calmer.

"Huh? We need your threatening skills!"

"Um… Never mind," said Peach.

"Huh?"

Marth drew his sword. "I'm a sexy guy and I know the secret arts of sexiness. If you don't let us sail, I'm going to blow you away!"

"Ha! Nice threat, especially with how much you smell of piss!" said Bobbery, laughing.

"SEXY ATTACK!"

KABOOM!

Marth, who was even dirtier than Link was, released a huge explosion from the backfired attack. Marth send himself, Link, Peach, Zelda, and Ness all flying over the sea.

They were all screaming (yes, including Peach). "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

**Scene: Crimea (aka Palmacosta) – Ike's House**

KABOOM!

"What in the…" Ike began to say, but all five smashers landed on top of him.

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!

"…this… isn't a… very good day…" Ike groaned. (aka General Dorr)

"…Marth, your attack backfired more than Link's because of the beds in Rogueport…" said Ness. He groaned. He was on the bottom of the pile, right next to Ike.

"Oh crap! We landed on the general!" said Link. "Everyone, run!"

"Why?" asked Marth, but Link grabbed his arm and ran out through the door. Peach and Ness followed.

"Are you okay?" asked Zelda.

"…Ugh… This isn't very good…" said Ike. "I have to keep helping them to… save her… What?" He saw Zelda.

'Oh wow!' Zelda thought. 'This guy is hot!'

"Oh wow!" Ike thought. "This girl is ugly!"

"…You had double quotations, Ike," said Zelda. "I heard what you said."

"Wait, what?"

SLAP!

* * *

**Scene: Crimea – Paula's store**

"No way! I'm never selling to people like you!" The blond-haired Paula cried out. "Look at all the poor pokemon you slave around!"

"What about her mom?" Marth whispered to Ness.

"I think she cares more about animals than humans…" Ness whispered back.

The two Team Rocket grunts glared at her. "Oh really? You don't approve of pokemon abuse?"

"No! I'd rather you kill my mom than abuse those poor pokemon!"

"Well you're lucky you're still alive…" said the other Grunt. "Keep it up and we won't know if you'll still have your life!"

"Don't worry! The hot general will always protect us!" said Paula.

Marth was about to flip his hair with a smile.

"General Ike will always protect our city!"

Marth fell down, anime style.

"Why you little…" The Rocket Grunt drew his whip back, but the other grunt held him back.

"We need to get permission from the great Ganondorf," said the other Grunt.

The room burst out in laughter. Link, Ness, Peach, Zelda, and Marth were all rolling on the ground, laughing their butts out.

"**Ha ha ha ha!** The Great… Ganondorf…" Link sniffed, smiling.

"Hilarious… I can't imagine him… the great…" said Zelda.

"I'm guessing he's a Grand Cardinal then?" asked Ness.

The Rocket Grunts and Paula were staring at them like they were crazy.

"Well then… We'll see what happens to your little shop then!" The Grunts said as they left the room.

"Do whatever! Ike will protect us!" said Paula. "Oh, hi Ness!"

"Paula! I'm not really surprised to see you here, especially if I saw your mom as a character in this story!"

"Ness! You are not supposed to tell her about that!" Hack boomed from the sky.

"Wait, but Chocolat's grandmother is the one in the Toad Town Ranch!" said Ness. "Not her mother!"

"…Plot Hole. You dare to question my plot?" asked Hack, now in human form inside the shop.

"Geez, so much commotion…" said Zelda, sighing.

"Yeah, I dare! After all the abuse I took in this story!" Ness called out.

"Hey… Look at me…" said Link, pointing at his wrappings.

"So… Who is this Ike?" Marth asked Paula, ignoring the commotion.

"Ness! I give you permission to attack the author!" said Peach.

"Permission accepted! NUT CRACKER!"

CLANG!

"You're so stupid man… I thought you knew I'd be wearing a metal cup by now," said Hack.

"Wait…" Link walked to Ness, whispering together. They were both wearing smirks.

"Okay, go for it!" Link cried.

"NUT CRACKER!"

"Ha! Not again!" said Hack. He snapped his fingers and lightning fell from the ceiling, but Ness dodged it with a swift roll.

Hack felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around.

WAP! WAP!

"AHHHHHHHH!" Hack cried. His eyes had just been rubber-banded by Link. "IT HURTS MORE THAN THE NUT CRACKER! MY GOD!"

"Ness has his Nut Cracking ability, so here's my nut cracker!" said Link.

"Except it isn't exactly cracking nuts, but more like cracking eyes…" said Ness.

"Ah… So that blue-haired guy is Ike?" asked Marth, not paying attention.

"Yep! He's so handsome! Man, and he definitely keeps his word of protecting us!" said Paula.

"Oh, you're talking about him!" said Zelda. "He's really, really sexy and hot… But…" She frowned. "He's rude! He thinks I'm ugly!"

"And his eyes are most certainly not deceiving him," said Marth.

SLAP!

"…I feel left out," said Peach, watching Zelda beat up Marth and Hack groaning in pain from the rubber bands as Link and Ness cheered.

* * *

**Scene: Crimean Streets**

The streets were quite lively to say the very least. Market booths were everywhere next to the huge sidewalks and people were selling a huge variety of things. Here and there were a few taller buildings, most likely for businesses or homes. People were running everywhere, either trying to get to where they want to through the crowd or to look for something they want.

"I never noticed how busy these streets are…" said Link.

"It's the main harbor from the previous continent," said Ness. "Of course it's busy. People from all over the continent gather here."

"Simply put, it's the biggest town in Lylat," said Marth, smirking. "I know my Fire Emblem worlds quite well."

Suddenly, Zelda tripped. No, she didn't bump into someone, she literally tripped. The small animal below squealed as he dropped a huge potion.

"Zelda! You clumsy girl!" Pikachu cried out. "You made me drop my Crimea Potion!"

"What? Pikachu? Who are you acting as?" asked Ness. "Wait, I know! You're the fake…"

"Yeah!" said Pichu, talking over Ness's voice. "We're just a group of four travelers moving around, marketing and stuff!"

"Especially since Hack decided to give us crap parts…" Yoshi grumbled.

Jigglypuff frowned. "At least we got parts…"

"Look at Ganondorf! He got an awesome villain part! Why can't I get a cool part?" asked Yoshi. "We're just acting as a bunch of impost…"

"Yeah, so!" said Pikachu, talking over Yoshi. "Since your clumsy chosen made us drop this potion, I think you owe us!"

"Excuse me?" asked Zelda, looking at Pikachu. "I don't think a little brat like you has the right to brag me around!"

"A-hem!" said Yoshi. "We're called the Fake Animals of Domination! Abbreviated FAD!"

"How about me?" asked Pichu, giving puppy eyes.

Link and Ness sighed, looking at each other. They read each other's eyes. Link shook his head, pointing at Zelda and Pichu, and Ness nodded in agreement.

"Oh, anything for a cutie like you!" said Zelda.

Peach butted in front of Zelda, shoving her out of the way. "We're not getting any damn thing for you little animals, so butt out of our business."

Yoshi, Pikachu, Pichu, and Jigglypuff squeaked as they dashed away from Peach, pages flying everywhere.

"Wonder what these pages are…" asked Link, looking at them.

"Doesn't matter…" said Ness. "We might as well go to Ike now and talk to him about what we need."

"Oh yeah, we need something!" said Zelda.

"You really know your job, Zelda!" said Ness, rolling his eyes.

"What's that book called anyways?" asked Marth.

"The Dark Prognosticus…" said Ness.

"Hold on…" said Peach. "That sounds familiar… It isn't a good thing. It's from Super Paper Mario though!"

"Well…" Zelda flipped through the script. "We really need it though! We might as well get it from Ike!"


	11. A Broken Sorcerer's Ring

Hack: dead X-X

Everyone else: …

Mario: Mama-mia… I wonder why he's dead right now…

Everyone: looks at Ness

Ness: What? Not me! Of course I didn't use the nut cracker because he forgot to include us muses in the previous chapter!

Mewtwo: Well we cannot start this chapter… He will most certainly have his revenge on you, Ness…

Ness: I swear, it was not me!

Fox: I have a feeling that I should trust Mewtwo more…

Link: Hack does not own us or Tales of Symphonia!

Captain Falcon: I appear in the next chapter! Look forward to my hotness!

Everyone else: …(beats up Falcon)

Fox: This chapter is probably... The craziest ever...

* * *

**Chapter 10: A Broken Sorcerer's Ring**

**Scene: Ike's House**

"Are you serious? You'll bring my daddy back from the ranch?" Rolf, a little runt cried.

"Of course, Rolf, I'll do everything I can," said Ike.

Rolf, the green-haired brat, jumped with joy as he zoomed out of the room just as the group of smashers walked in.

"Man, there's no way I can do anything at all…" Ike muttered under his breath. "But Rolf's such an annoying brat… Almost as dumb as Boyd…"

"Um, Ike? People are here," said Mist, Ike's little sister. She had brown hair and blue eyes. She also wore a short white skirt and a yellow shirt; she did not seem suited for threatening guys like Peach and Zelda were.

"Oh, snap! I mean, welcome!" said Ike.

"Yeah, we're here for the Dark Prognosticus…" said Ness.

Ike looked up to notice Zelda. "AHHH! The ugly bitch!"

"**WHAT?**"

Zelda raised her hand back, looking back at Peach. Peach nodded.

"Help granted."

"Huh? What help?" asked Ike.

KER-SLAP!

KABOOM!

KRACK!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ike doubled over, holding his nuts. "Uh… guh… What were… those stones…"

"I wish I wasn't under your control…" Ness muttered.

"What you get for thinking I'm ugly… again," said Zelda. "Now do you have the Dark Prognosticus?"

"…Why would I… give it to you…" Ike groaned.

"Ike, I suggest you listen to Zelda or else Ness'll be forced to give another nut cracker…" said Marth. "I'm serious."

"What? Ike already gave it away to the Chosen though!" said Mist.

"What? I'm the chosen though!" Zelda angrily replied.

"Yeah… I gave it away… You're probably just imposters…" said Marth. "Guards!"

A group of Crimean soldiers in red surrounded the group.

"Hey! We're not imposters! We're real because we're hot!" said Link.

"Link, shut up before you get us into more trouble!" said Ness.

"She's obviously the chosen though!" Peach yelled. "I demand you give that damn book to us!"

"Listen to the devil, listen to her!" Marth cried before he got smacked on the head by a frying pan.

"Do you have proof that you're the chosen?" asked Ike.

"Uh…" everyone paused.

"Zelda! You're supposed to be able to look like a pokemon at will!" Ness angrily muttered into Zelda's ear.

"Why? I don't want to look like a little brat like Pikachu!" Zelda cried.

"You do know that…" Link started, flipping through the script. "You wouldn't always look like Mew, you could change parts of your body at will…"

"Stop speaking gibberish! Leave at once!" Ike yelled.

The soldiers immediately shoved all the smashers out of Ike's House.

* * *

**Scene: Crimea**

"Man, this is all your fault, Zelda," said Ness.

"WHAT?"

"Well it is your fault that you couldn't show any proof when you were supposed to, but you couldn't because you're so darn selfish," said Peach. "So self-conscious."

"Oh man, what now?" asked Link.

"Hm, well we might as well go on…" said Marth.

"Wait!" Link pointed at a huge school. "Didn't you go to that school, Ness?"

"I was accepted into it, yeah, but I didn't want to go…" said Ness.

"This should be interesting! Let's visit it!" said Zelda.

"But… I don't…" Ness started but everyone began shoving him.

* * *

**Scene: Crimea Academy**

"Who is this little runt?" a child said, pointing at Ness. "You got into this academy on your first examination?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm just too smart for you," said Ness.

"Well for once Ness has his time to shine…" said Marth.

"Unlike you," said Zelda.

"Oh, shush…"

"But is Ness really that smart?" asked Link.

"He studies all night every day in our house," said Peach. "Of course, he's no match for my intelligence!"

"But according to these formulas, this device should work…" said one student, working on some sort of weird mana invention.

"But it's so high-tech! Wow!"

"Watch out! Its power is too much to contain it for any longer!"

KABOOM!

While the invention didn't explode, Ness's anger most certainly did as he just roasted a group of students that was mocking him.

All the nerds turned around to see Ness.

"That little midget has set one of our own kind on fire!" a nerd cried.

"Let us exhilarate him!" another cried.

"Wait, you looked on the thesaurus for Microsoft Word! It thinks you mean excite!" another cried.

"Oops! I mean electrify him!"

At the same time, all of the nerds took out huge tazers.

"Crap! Make a run for it!" Link cried. Even Peach agreed, and they all ran away from the chasing mob of nerds wielding tazers.

* * *

**Scene: DK Docks**

"Wow, what a sudden change of… Scene…" said Ness.

"Did we just skip all of the world map crap?" asked Link.

"Stop complaining! Hack just saved three hours of our lives!" said Zelda, smiling.

"For once he did something good…" said Marth. "Besides letting me use my sexy attack."

"…I thought the author would beat on you right now," said Peach. "But he isn't responding."

"…Eh heh heh…" Ness nervously laughed.

"Notice that the scene says DK Docks?" asked Ness. "Wonder if we'll see Donkey Kong here…"

"Maybe not," said Marth. "But then the DK Isle is just an isolated mountain." He flipped through the script out of curiosity. "I see, so it makes sense."

"Huh? Is it because the Thoda Geysers are also basically one big isolated mountain?" asked Ness.

Marth nodded. "See? I'm not that stupid, unlike Link."

"Being smarter than Link isn't saying that much…" said Zelda, sighing.

"Weeeee! These bathtubs are fun!" Link cried, jumping from floating tub to tub. They were floating near the shore.

"…" Everyone else was staring at Link in wonder.

"How many more idiots do you think we'll have in our party?" asked Ness, sighing.

"Well…" said Zelda. "We're getting Roy and Kirby in our party…" said Zelda. "Add them to the three pre-existing idiots and we'll have five."

"Wait, three?" both Ness and Marth cried.

"…If it'll make you happy, two."

"Well it's quite strange that Peach hasn't said anything yet…" said Ness.

Indeed, Peach was simply staring at the water, standing still. Her pupils were tiny, simply glaring.

"What's wrong, Peach? You should be telling us to get going," said Zelda.

"Maybe she's… afraid of water?" Marth suggested.

"Good thinking," said Link. "Hey Peach! Are you scared of water?" he asked her, prodding her.

KABOOM!

"Of course I'm… not afraid of water! Let's get going!" Peach yelled. "Let's go into the… tiny… almost-sure-to-fall-apart… boats…"

"She seems unsure for once…" Zelda whispered to Marth.

"Sure thing," he replied.

KABOOM!

* * *

**Scene: In the Washtubs**

"These bathtubs sure suck…" said Ness.

Link was rowing his own tub. Yes, each person had his or her own tub to row.

"Well… I guess I get some work out with this," said Link.

Marth glared at Link. _Must beat him at sexiness…_ He attached his sword to the paddle, making it twice as heavier, and began rowing twice as faster.

"This is sucking away my magic power, but… It gets the job done," said Ness. Rather than rowing himself, he used small, consecutive blasts of wind to blow his tub forward slowly.

"Why… Can't I have… cool magic powers…" Zelda asked, exhausted from rowing. "If I had Farore's Wind, I could teleport us…"

"By the way, where's Peach?" asked Link.

Peach was apparently riding with Zelda. No wonder Zelda was being so tired.

"Row faster, you bitch!" Peach yelled out.

"Why don't you have your own tub?" asked Link. Ness and Marth smacked their own heads, ashamed of having a friend that is asking for suicide.

But to their astonishment, Peach didn't attack! "Uh… Well… It's not like I'm scared of anything."

"I hate these tubs…" Ness groaned again.

"Dude, be glad we don't have to swim!" said Link.

CRACK! SPLASH! SPLASH!

Ness, Link, and Marth's washtubs instantly broke. They all splashed into the sea, leaving only Peach and Zelda in their own washtub.

"Nice job, Link! You jinxed it! Now my hair is messed up!" Marth yelled at Link.

"Hey! Blame it on Hack! I didn't know he was back!" said Link.

"Link…" Ness started.

Link and Marth turned to see Ness's eyes burn with fire.

"Uh oh…" Link said.

"YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!" Ness yelled, about to dash across the water to beat the crap out of Link and apparently Marth as well.

"Wait! If Hack cracked our boats, it must be your fault since you knocked him out!" Marth pointed out.

Ness stopped in place. "How do you know?" he asked.

"Instead of you killing us…" said Link.

"It's Ness's turn to be beaten up!" said Marth.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Ness began to swim away, but Link and Marth caught up instantly, grabbing him by the back of his collar.

"My, my, the boys are getting a bit violent, aren't they?" asked Peach.

"Yeah…" Zelda simply replied, watching Link and Marth slash away at Ness, who was flailing in the water in pain.

"I'm glad I don't have to swim!" said Peach.

CRACK! SPLASH!

Zelda and Peach were now in the water. Peach was flailing, unable to swim.

"So you ARE afraid of water!" said Marth, punching an unconscious Ness in the face.

"…Peach…" Zelda muttered. "You… jinxed it… All my rowing work…"

Peach wasn't listening, because she was busy trying to stay on the surface.

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Zelda dashed across the water and proceeded to beat up Peach with her discs. Link and Marth watched in awe.

"Wow… I guess it's Peach's turn to get beaten up for once?" said Link.

"Wow, the irony… It's usually us two getting beaten up," said Marth. "What else? Zelda getting beaten up for once eventually?"

Hack chuckled to himself in his own house. "Heh heh… we'll see more ironic things later… The roles have switched for now, haven't they?"

* * *

**Scene: DK Isle**

"Finally… We're here…" said Ness. They were looking up to see a huge stone head resembling that of Donkey Kong's head. "Is the Water temple up there?"

The entire party of five was wet. Ness and Peach have finally regained consciousness, embarrassed of being beaten up by those that they otherwise typically beat up and order around.

Zelda flipped through the script. "Well it isn't called the Water Temple…" said Zelda.

"Huh? Why not?" asked Ness.

"It's called… the DK Geysers…" Marth said, looking over Zelda's shoulder.

"WHAT? Hack's screwing the names around again!"

"Eh, well… whatever. We should get going," said Marth.

"I… don't… want to… try… swimming… again…" said Peach.

They all walked to a small stone altar and Zelda placed her hand on it. A rainbow stairs lead up to a hidden doorway up high in the DK Isle.

"Well… Here's the second seal!" said Zelda, climbing up the stairs. The four others followed.

Samus appeared at the base. "There they are! I'm going to beat them all up and shoot 'em!" she said.

"Uh, you don't have an arm cannon right now…" said the floating Metroid, acting as Corrine.

"…Why the hell are you my summoning partner?" asked Samus. "Geez… I wish I never had to save you after killing the Metroid queen…"

Samus was about to walk up the stairs, but…

ZOOM!

Epona teleported in, pointing her butt at Samus.

"You know, that's really rude!" said the Metroid.

Epona stood on her legs and neighed, further emphasizing her bottom.

"Attack it, metroid!" said Samus.

The Metroid flew at Epona, about to attach itself to her head, but Epona reared her hind legs and kicked the Metroid miles away. Before Samus could react, Epona kicked her miles away too.

"!" cried Samus.

"You're supposed to say that Team Rocket's blasting off again!" said Hack, angry.

"…No, I'm not part of Team Rocket," said Samus, still flying.

"Ah, right… My mistake."

* * *

**Scene: DK Geysers**

"Whoa! What's this little thingy!" asked Link, poking an upward hemisphere with a glowing blue orb on top of it.

Zelda tapped it, and the sorcerer's ring glowed blue.

"…It feels kinda different now," said Zelda.

"How so? Will it do something different now?" asked Marth.

"…We were supposed to know that these thingies change the sorcerer's ring's function back when Link was trapped in Team Rocket's base…" said Ness, shaking his head.

"Who cares about that, let's get a move on!" said Peach.

"Yes, Ma'am!" Everyone else cried, shuddering.

"Here, I wanna see what it does!" said Link, taking the sorcerer's ring from Zelda.

"Hey!" Zelda cried. Link activated the sorcerer's ring and fired it in a random direction. It fired a small spurt of water.

"Cool!" Link stared in awe. Unfortunately for him, the spurt of water struck Peach.

Maybe fortunately…

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Peach cried, running around with a splatter of water on her cheek. "GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!"

Marth, Ness, Zelda, and especially Link were staring at Peach in awe.

"…She was scared of water?" asked Link. "…Ooops…"

"You've found her awesome weakness, though! Even devils have weaknesses!" said Marth, giving Link a high-five.

"She was obviously showing her weakness throughout this entire chapter," said Ness. "It's ironic how Raine, the character she's acting as, is also really scared of water…"

"Um, guys…" said Zelda. "You do know that after she gets over her phobia, she's going to get you guys back tenfold, right?"

"Well it's a time to celebrate!" said Link.

"You…" Peach loomed over the three guys, fire in her eyes.

"Um… should we run for it?" asked Ness.

"**Hell yes!**" Link and Marth cried. "**AHHHHH!**"

* * *

**Scene: Still in DK Geysers…**

Needless to say, with the speed faster than that of Captain Falcon, Peach beat the living daylights out of Link, Marth, and Ness. They were all standing on top of a balcony with a small fountain. Below them was a huge pond.

"Anyways…" Zelda said. "This temple really is tiny… Only three rooms."

"We're already at the final room…" said Ness, groaning over his bleeding eye.

The party looked at a weighted scale with a pot on each side. One side was clearly lopsided, so the right pot was heavier than the left.

"Link!" said Ness. "Use common sense! Shoot water at the lighter pot!"

Link looked at the scale. "…Which pot is lighter though?"

Everyone slapped their own foreheads.

"Link… even I have enough common sense for that," said Marth. "Will we be getting any un-hot people in our party that will have as little common sense as Link?"

"Well…" said Ness, flipping through the long script. "We're getting Samus, Kirby, Nana, and Roy. Samus simply adds to the female dominance of the party…"

KABOOM!

KERSLAP!

Ness staggered. "I… stand correct… Nana has some sense… Roy is pretty sensible too… Just a darn perv… And Kirby is pretty crazy…"

"So I'm guessing yes?" said Marth. Ness nodded meekly.

Zelda leaned on the fence behind her. "Hurry up, or else I'm taking that sorcerer's stone from you, Link!"

"But I can't tell which one is lighter!" said Link, also leaning on the fence and pointing his ring down…

"Okay, Link, when you have a scale…" said Ness. "And you have an object on each side, the heavier object will bring the lighter one up."

"But see here…" said Link. "That's true if the scale was perfect. There's angular friction, and each side of the rod might not be completely perfect either, so the angular torque will be different. The rotational inertia of each side can be different too because we don't know if the density is consistent throughout the entire rod of the scale."

"But that's insignificant…"

"**Furthermore**, the center of mass of the rod will not be at the pivot point because nothing can be perfect! Each side will, therefore, have different rotational inertia, having different potential energies!" Link continued to explain.

"…Did anybody have any clue what Link was saying?" asked Marth. Zelda and Peach shook their heads while Ness nodded.

"When has Link taken physics?" asked Zelda. "And how does Hack even know physics?"

"Hey, I'm taking AP Physics right now," Hack's voice boomed through the temple. "I know what I'm talking about."

"But all those side thingies are so small that we can assume they don't exist!" said Ness. "They're just due to human error!"

"Dude! I'm only doing this to make Link seem smart for once!" said Hack. "Any more complaints on Link's knowledge on physics will have to complain to me, and I don't think even Peach wants to. Everyone fine with that?"

Everyone meekly nodded.

"Excellent. You might want to know where you're pointing that sorcerer's ring too, Link," said Hack.

Link looked behind him. "Hey, what? Shoot!"

You know they were standing on a balcony above a pond, right? Well Link was unconsciously releasing water with the sorcerer's ring down at the pond. By now, the water level was up to everyone's waist.

"Great job, Link!" said Zelda. "And I thought you were smart for once!"

"I can't… shut… this off!" said Link, the sorcerer's ring still spewing out water.

"WATER! I CAN'T STAND IT!" Peach cried.

"Look! The door opened there!" said Ness. Indeed, the door opened because the water filled up the lighter pot, moving the scale.

Marth grabbed Peach and made a run for the door. The three others ran through too, Link's hand spewing out water out of the ring.

* * *

They were in the boss room. They were facing some big water boss with two evil mermaids.

The water level was still rising, and it rose into the room!

"Link, can't you turn that thing off?" Zelda cried.

"I can't! It's stuck!" said Link.

"Everyone, get on the pillars!" said Ness.

They all climbed on the pillars outside the arena, the water chasing them from below. The boss was underwater, and it grabbed its own throat, suffocating and drowning, then dying.

"…A water boss that can't swim? How ironic," said Ness.

"Screw irony, let's save our own butts!" said Marth.

They were at the top of their pillars. The water was now flowing out of the top of the temple, flowing down the mountain and into DK Isle.

"Hey! I can see Toad Town from here!" said Link.

BAM!

Link's hat flew off because a Toad miles away in Toad Town sniped him with a sniper rifle.

"Holy shit! That's dangerous!" said Link.

"No kidding," said Ness, shooting water discs at approaching torpedoes. "Apparently they're really bent on killing me and you."

**Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule** came down from the skies on cue.

"You have released the second seal, Zelda, and… what are you doing on the pillars?" he asked.

"Hey! Dude with the insanely long name!" said Marth. "Can't you take all the water here away?"

"Or fix this darn ring!" said Link.

"You do know that it only shoots water while we're in the water temple, right?" said Ness.

"Okay, let's jump off!" said Peach. "I don't want to get wet any more!"

"Fine! Dad, teach me that darn skill!" said Zelda.

"But you need to listen to my pointless lecture!" said **Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**.

"That's why we don't need to… because it's pointless…" said Ness.

"Fine! You have released the second seal, and two more remain! I have now taught you Holy Song!"

"Yeah… REALLY useful technique…" Zelda sarcastically commented.

"I will await you at the next temple… Good bye," said **Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**; he disappeared.

"Why is his name bolded all the time too?" asked Ness. "Is it to make fun of his long name?"

"Hey! You can't read that text!" said Hack. "You'll pay for that!"

An earthquake occurred, shaking the pillars off. All five smashers immediately let go of their clinging spots, the sorcerer's ring still spewing water.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they all cried, falling down to their dooms.

* * *

**Scene: DK Isle**

"Phew… I can't believe we survived…" said Ness.

"**AHHHHHHHHHHH!** I'm on fire!" Link cried, running around in circles. The sorcerer's ring did not spew water out anymore; instead, it let loose an infinite stream of fire, setting Link on fire.

"Stop! Drop! Roll!" Link cried, rolling on the grass. The grass set on fire. The fire spread along all of the grass, around the island.

"Wait! Push him into the water!" said Marth. "That should stop the fire!"

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

Peach whacked the back of Link's head with a frying pan, sending him flying into space.

"That should take care of him," said Peach.

"Um… are you sure?" asked Zelda.

* * *

**Scene: World Map**

"**Why the hell are you setting me on fire, GOD DAMN IT!**" Samus screamed as she and Link ran around, looking for any body of water to jump in.

"**I'm sorry, BUT PEACH SENT ME FLYING RANDOMLY!**"

"**WATER! THERE'S WATER!**" Samus pointed out at a small pond.

They both jumped in, ceasing the fire.

"Phew…" Link sighed. The sorcerer's ring was still shooting fire, but it was doused. The pond was now heating up, turning into a hot spring. "Ahhh… This is so much better…"

"I concur…" said Samus.


	12. Show Me Your Taunts!

Hack: So after a two-year hiatus, I'm finally back! I have no excuse for this long hiatus, as I know I've left you all hanging on this fanfic. But I promise you that I will never leave ya'll hanging this long again!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 11: Show Me Your Taunts!**

**Scene: DK Docks**

"Finally… Back at the main continent…" Ness sighed.

"Water…" Peach mumbled.

"Chill, at least we didn't almost drown again like last time," said Marth. "Especially because of a certain someone knocked out the author…"

"All right, now we need to find Link…" said Ness.

"Unfortunately for you, you missed a nice time in the hot springs," said Link, smirking as he came into the scene.

"What do you mean?" asked Ness.

"By the time I got the sorcerer's ring fixed, the fire flowing from it heated up a pool of water."

"…And why were you in a pool of water?" asked Peach, with shifty eyes.

"Because my butt was on fire, so I jumped in."

"That makes sense… After you left the DK Geysers, the Sorcerer's ring must have reverted back to its original function," said Zelda.

"Right, whatever. Where to next?" asked Link.

Marth pointed his sword in the direction of a huge cliff. "There. We're supposed to be heading for the Gallia Peaks…"

"Gallia? Never heard of that," said Zelda.

"It's from Fire Emblem, the one that Ike is from," explained Marth.

"Let's get a move on then, damn it!" said Peach. Nobody argued.

* * *

**Scene: Gallia Peaks**

Two guards were standing at the base of the peaks, next to a small cabin. These two guards were very hairy, and both had long tails.

"Halt! What is your business in the Gallia Peaks?" asked one of the guards, shoving Link away.

"We wish to pass through here," Marth explained politely.

"Well you'd have to pay a passing fine of a million gold," said one of the guards.

"Gold? How many different forms of currency are there?" Ness yelled. "In Toad Town, we paid in coins… Then rupees, and now gold?"

Hack chuckled to himself. "Just wait until you reach an area originally from pokemon…" he muttered to himself, snickering.

"So… we have zero gold…" said Zelda, who was managing the group's funds. "Great. Well we might as well rest in that building there…"

The five smashers agreed as they walked into the building in there, to find the one and only perverted person that says…

"**SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!**" cried Captain Falcon, saluting the party with his hand. Everyone facepalmed.

"Captain Falcon? Why are you here?" asked Ness.

Falcon shifted his feet nervously. "Well… ya see… The guy I'm playing the role as… He's a pervert."

The five smashers understood why immediately and snapped their fingers, saying "Oh!" simultaneously.

"No wonder! The perverted smasher would have to be that old greedy bastard!" said Ness.

"Old greedy bastard? He may be perverted, but I'm not old, dang it!"

"And he also is really greedy!" said Ness. "Apparently he won all the races and hunted down criminals only for the prize money and bounties!"

"Well there's a reason why I'm called a _bounty hunter_, kiddo!" said Falcon, smacking Ness on the side of his head. "But you, beautiful, are nice!" he winked at Zelda. "Will you **show me your…**"

**KABOOM!**

"…moves…" Falcon meekly groaned.

* * *

**Scene: Captain Falcon's House**

"Now what are we supposed to do here?" asked Ness.

"I dunno. **Show me your moves!** You gotta do something to progress, yo!" said Falcon.

Zelda saw something sparkle in the corner of her eye. "Hey, is that…"

"The Dark Prognosticus!" said Marth.

"Yeah, that, well, the chosen's group came to sell it to me," said Falcon. "They demanded a million gold for it, and since Hack is making me buy it to progress the story… I had to."

"So that explains why the guards are making us pay a million gold… So you can have your money back!" said Ness. "How could you?"

"Hey, it's the chosen's group's fault!"

"Wait… We're the chosen group," said Zelda. "So… who exactly gave it to you?"

"Yoshi, Pikachu, Pichu, and Jigglypuff," said Falcon.

"…No wonder! That makes perfect sense, why Yoshi was all like… suspicious!" said Link.

"Anyways, can we have it back?" asked Zelda.

"You gotta **show me your money,**" said Falcon. "Three million gold."

"…You're kidding me," said Ness.

Marth drew the falchion. "The book, or your head," he said.

"Hey! You can't threaten innocent people!" said Zelda.

Peach also drew a frying pan, grinning evilly. "He's not innocent, he's a pervert!" she said.

"Wait! Wait! WAIT!" Falcon cried.

SLISH BOOM!

* * *

**Scene: Captain Falcon's House**

"Well now that's all taken care of…" said Captain Falcon, almost beaten to a pulp but still able to speak. "You gotta get me that statue of Shaymin."

"Shaymin? What the hell is that?" asked Link.

"It's a pokemon," said Ness. "The fact that there are statues of pokemon everywhere means…"

"What's in it for us?" asked Zelda.

"You can read the Dark Prognosticus if you **show me the statue!**," said Falcon, holding out his hand in a sexy pose (his side taunt from brawl).

Peach blew him up with a black bomb. "Say that again and I will kill you."

"Sorry…" he meekly said. "So anyways, you wanna know where it is? Find it yourself."

"Whaaaat?" groaned Ness. "**Show me your directions!**"

Marth, Link, and Zelda facepalmed as Peach blew up Ness as well.

"Greeeeat, at this rate we're going to have a Captain Falcon clone in our party…" said Marth.

"Well it's in the area south of here, between Gallia Peaks and Crimea," responded Captain Falcon.

"Well that indeed is useful. Thank you, Captain Falcon!" thanked Zelda, smiling.

"And thank **you,** for **showing me your smile!**" said Falcon.

**KABOOM!

* * *

**

**Scene: Gallia Peaks**

"Wow, I hope we'll never have to see him again…" groaned Ness.

"Yeah, he's such a pervert…" said Zelda.

"Not only that, but his quotes as well," said Marth. "Whenever I smash with him and get owned by his knee, he goes **show me your moves** and my masculinity just… GOES DOWN!"

"You didn't have much to start with," commented Ness.

"Shut up, little girl," said Marth. Ness nut-crackered him.

"It's interesting though," said Peach. "His first line as his actual role was 'show me your moves,' and that makes me want to kill him."

"Oh man, but he is quite sexy," said Link. "Look at his abs…"

"I know! I'm pretty, but he's got the muscles!" said Marth.

"And the pecs…"

"The calfs…"

"The abs especially…"

"Will you two stop being jealous of Falcon's body?" asked Zelda. "He's got a nice muscular body, but he's too perverted!"

Both Link and Marth fell to the ground anime-style, crying. "But we're saaaaaaad!"

A man came up to them. "Are you heading back to Crimea?" he asked Zelda, who looked the most serious.

"Maybe, why?" she asked.

"Don't go back. Team Rocket's there right now, with the commander there as well!" he cried.

"Wow, wonder who the next cardinal is that we'll meet?" wondered Link.

"And we'll beat him up to no end!" said Marth.

"I hope Ike dies…" muttered Zelda.

* * *

**Scene: Crimea**

"What? PAULA!" cried Ness.

Paula was hung up with the rope around her neck, about to be executed by hanging. The team rocket members surrounding her were cheering, ready to execute her. There was a massive crowd of Crimeans surrounding the scene.

"Out of the way, you weaklings!" said a familiar voice…

"Who is that?" asked Marth.

"Oh dear, it's him, isn't it?" groaned Link.

Zelda nodded. "Of all places…"

Ganondorf kicked aside several Crimeans who did not bow to him. "Gwah ha ha ha ha! How is it, Paula? You've defied Team Rocket, and you're about to be executed for it!"

Ness flipped through the script. "Wait, wait… There's something wrong here…" he said.

"What?" everyone said.

"It's not Paula who's supposed to about to get hung, it's her mom!" he said.

"But her mom was already killed!" said Link.

"WHAAAAT?" cried Paula.

"Yeah, so Hack must've screwed something up back then!" said Ness.

"WHAT? BY WHO? TELL ME!" cried Paula.

Both Link and Ness sweat-dropped. "By… Young Link!" said Link. "Yeah!"

Everyone in the party facepalmed, plus Ganondorf.

"ONCE I GET OUT OF THIS ROPE, I'M GOING TO KILL THAT GUY!" bellowed Paula.

"Yes, yes, but first the hanging!" said Ganondorf. "Because you've defied Team Rocket and did not supply them with what we requested, we are here for the public execution of Paula!"

"What the heck could the militia be doing at this moment?" asked Zelda.

"Don't ask me, I have no clue," replied Peach.

* * *

**Scene: Ike's House**

"One! Two! One! Two" Ike cried.

All of the soldiers were in Ike's ballroom, dancing to the beat. The happy music from Malo Mart from Twilight Princess was playing. Each soldier thrust his hip forward to the right, brought it back, then thrust his hip to the left while shooting his hands forward. Repeat.

"Everyone's got it? You gotta do it with pleasure, with happiness, and with pride!" cried Ike.

"YES SIR!" the militia bellowed as they danced to the beat.

* * *

**Scene: Crimea**

A stray rock hit Ganondorf on the face.

"What? Who was that? He yelled. He turned around to see Rolf, holding his hand out. "You little runt… You'll pay!" He began charging a Warlock Punch when Rolf suddenly took out a bow (he's an archer in Fire Emblem) and fired an arrow!

Ganondorf stepped to the side. "Hey! You're not supposed to do that!" he yelled.

"But you're hurting us!" cried the crybaby Rolf, readying another arrow.

"Screw that, archer or not…" said Link. "We're not letting you hurt that crybaby! Demon Fang!"

Ganondorf grunted as a blast of wind struck him in the chest.

"MOMMY! HE WAS ABOUT TO KILL ME!" Rolf cried, tears flowing down his cheeks. "Oh, wait, my mom's dead… WAHHH!" He cried again, running away like the crybaby he was.

"You! Link! You're crime number 1337! The one with the legendary pokeball!" bellowed Ganondorf. "Excellent! If I capture you, I'll become the leader of the grand cardinals!"

"Wait, I'm crime number 1337? Number Leet? Elite?" asked Link.

"…Whoa, seriously? I never noticed that," said Ganondorf as he took out the script to flip through it. "I've played through the game over ten times, and I vaguely remember that you're crime number 74! Hold on, let me double check…"

"That number should belong to me," said Peach, growling.

"Hey, I can't help it. It wasn't my decision to become 1337, pun intended," said Link, shrugging.

"True that," Marth and Zelda agreed.

"I wanna be criminal number 1337 too…" groaned Ness.

"Wow, Hack really changed it to number 1337!" said Ganondorf.

"So you actually played Tales of Symphonia over ten times? That's gotta take some serious dedication!" said Link.

"Hey, you didn't know I was a gamer? I, Bowser, and Mewtwo, we are called the villain gamers! And we also play competitive smash melee too!"

"Despite the fact that you're all at low tier…" mumbled Ness.

"Oy, I'm mid tier, and that's good enough for me," said Ganondorf.

"What about brawl?" asked Zelda.

"Nah, too slow. It's a terrible competitive game compared to melee. Can't do combos, it's all about freakin' camping. All you see are metaknights everywhere, if you look at tourney results, over ninety percent of pros play as metaknight! And I'm the worst character in the game!"

"It's interesting," said Marth. "How in Brawl, the entire bottom tier is composed of the three adult Zelda characters!"

Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf all whirled around to face Marth.

"Uh oh…" said Marth.

* * *

**Scene: Crimea**

"So after that nice beating…" said Zelda. "And that unnecessary tangent…"

"Will you guys hurry up and free me?" cried Paula. "I'm kinda getting sick staying up here, especially after figuring out that Young Link killed my mother! Also, I don't like having this rope around my neck!" (Link sniggered)

"Enough of this crap! I won't let you do that!" said Ganondorf. "Execute Paula, now!"

"No way! DINS FIRE!" Zelda cried, swinging her arm out. Nothing happened…

"I'll stop this! Demon Fang!" said Link. Ganondorf grunted as the blast of wind hit him again.

Peach bombed Link. "You realize that this place will burn down like Toad Town, you idiot, if you defy them?"

"They're not burned down, ya know," said Link, coughing. "Plus I'm supposed to be insane and say that I want to destroy all of Team Rocket."

"…now THAT'S insanity right there," said Peach.

"Look who's insane…" muttered Ness.

KABOOM!

"HANG HER!" cried Ganondorf.

But Marth was already on the platform. "Ha, you took longer than the script asked for!" said Marth. He was holding Paula in his hands. "I've already saved her."

"ARGH! Why is everything going wrong? My plans and my script! I hate you in both ways, Link!" said Ganondorf. "I'm done with this! Grunts, take them out! I'm leaving!" He teleported away.

"You guys are gonna get a load of this from dealing with our Lord!" said a Rocket grunt as he and two others approached the party.

"Oh please, four strong people against three weaklings?" said Ness. "Give it up!"

Peach blew up Ness. "That one person left out was me, right?" she growled.

"No… I meant… we can only… fight with four… at a time…" groaned Ness.

Peach hesitated, then pretended to not notice him.

"Bring out your best!" said Grunt number two.

Link, Marth, Peach, and Zelda surrounded the three Rocket Grunts. Two of them carried a whip each, and the last one had a staff to summon magic.

"Nut Cracker!" said Link as he took out a rubber band and slammed it into the first whip grunt's eyes.

"GYAHHHHHHH!" the grunt cried, falling to the floor and crying his eyes out.

Peach was beating the second whip master to a pulp; the description would flow the story out of the PG-13, no, even the R rating.

Marth slashed the mage three times, then…

"Demon Fang, yo!" he said. "Followed by Fireball!" He shot three more fireballs. "Hey, I'm really liking my abilities!"

The grunts went down instantly and Paula was completely freed.

"Thank you guys!" said Paula. "Now I'm going to go find that Young Link and kill him for killing my mom!"

"Wait!" said Link, but Paula ran out of Crimea, ready to seek out Young Link. "Oh man… Well, better him than me."

"Isn't she supposed to get captured?" asked Ness.

"Well… we'll see how things turn out soon?" Marth replied uncertainly.

* * *

**Scene: Pokemon Center**

"The Hell?" said Ness.

"No cursing!" Zelda reprimanded Ness, smacking him on the head with her chakram.

"I mean… a **pokemon center**? What the heck is Hack smoking?"

Ness suddenly got nut-crackered by the floor.

"The pokemon center is a house of salvation," Hack said from the sky. "And I haven't been smoking anything."

"All right… so Falcon said that we have to get the people here to **show me the statue**," said Marth.

"One more 'show me your' thing, and the person who says that will die," said Peach.

Everyone was silent. Finally, a man behind them broke the silence.

"You've got to rescue the tour guide of Crimea!" cried Soren (Ike's right-handed man).

"Tour guide? Who is this tour guide?" asked Zelda.

"Paula! She was giving a tour when she was captured by Team Rocket!"

"Again? Are they going to execute her again?" asked Link.

"Save her! You have to halt your mission, for it's for your own benefit as well!" said Soren.

"Uh… All right?" replied Link.

"Thank you! I'll lead you to the ranch!"


	13. Looks can Kill, Literally!

Hack: Not gonna say anything, as I know all I'm gonna do is say the same thing again about the hiatus.

Mewtwo: Lies. You are putting higher priority on your adventure fanfic

Hack: true, true, I'm focusing more on that. Easier to finish up one project (that's almost already finished anyways) then to work on multiple at a time. Anyways, Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 12: Looks can Kill, literally!**

**Scene: Crimea Human Ranch**

"So we're here in this ranch now," said Link.

"You're here!" said a boy in a black and violet cloak. Only his face was revealed, which had a sign on his forehead.

"Who are you? I think I've seen you before!" said Ness.

"My name is Soren, and I'm Ike's advisor. You're the Chosen's group, right?"

Zelda nodded. "Yep! I'm the beautiful Chosen!"

Soren coughed. "AHEM. Now then. I must advise you to leave the Crimean Region at once."

"At once? Why?" asked Link.

"Yeah, why? I've been enjoying my hometown for a while!" said Marth. "Well… Home Climate, I guess, since I came from Altea, not Crimea…"

"Tell me," said Peach, approaching Soren. "Who gave you permission to order us around? We're breaking into the base!"

"Idiocy! Who gave you permission to ignore my advise?" asked Soren.

"The best mage in the world, that's who," said Ness, pointing at himself.

"…You're holding a kendama, a strategically ineffective weapon, completely outclassed by even a staff," said Soren.

"Me? I'll show you who's boss!" said Ness. "Nut Cracker!"

Soren practically glided backwards to dodge. "Arcwind!"

A tornado appeared where Ness stood and swept him into a tree.

"Hey! Hey! No fighting!" said Zelda.

BAM!

Ness was knocked out by both Zelda and Peach.

"But… why not… Soren…" groaned Ness before fainting.

"You initialized the fight," said Zelda.

"Yeah, well, we're breaking through then?" both Link and Marth asked, looking at all the Rocket Grunt guards in front of the entrance to the ranch.

"…Go wild," said Peach.

"WOO!" Both swordsmen dash through, knocking out all the Rocket Grunts and breaking through the door.

"…What idiocy is this…?" Soren sighed, walking away as Peach and Zelda, both carrying Ness, followed behind Link and Marth.

* * *

**Scene: Inside the Ranch**

"Sweet! Another Sorcerer's Ring ability!" said Link. "I bet this is going to be really fun!"

"This has me wondering too, why is there a Sorcerer's Ring ability changer in this base, along with the Rocket base in Gerudo desert?" pondered Ness.

Link turned on the ring.

"…I don't see what it does," said Zelda.

"Nor I," said Marth.

"Me neither," said Peach.

"Link, does it seriously do nothing?" asked Ness.

"Yeah, tell us what it does!" Zelda said excitedly.

Link looked at Ness.

And screamed.

* * *

**Scene: Popo's House**

"Hurry up! When's my solo buffet gonna be done?" yelled Kirby, sitting at a table with his chef's hat.

"I'm hurrying up, but I can only cook so much by myself, idiot!" said Popo, flipping a frying pan, readying the buffet or banquet for his master, I mean boyfriend, I mean best-friend-forever Kirby.

There was a loud scream out of nowhere, and then the entire house suddenly shook, making Popo drop his frying pan on his foot, melting the shoe.

"AHHHHH!" Popo cried.

"Whoa, who made the earth shake?" pondered Kirby. "Sounded like Link screaming…"

* * *

**Scene: Sorcerer's Ring Room in Ranch**

"What? What's wrong?" asked Zelda.

"You… are… so… ugly… Wow…" groaned Link, vomiting on the floor and covering his eyes.

"Excuse me?" asked Zelda.

"What do you mean? You see her like every day, and you choose NOW to say that" asked Ness.

"Do you need my help?" Peach asked Zelda, anticipating an angry burst.

"No…" then Link looked at Peach and screamed even louder.

"What? Now I'm all of a sudden ugly?" she asked.

"Hold on, let me try that on…" Ness said, taking the ring from Link and turning it on. He looked at Zelda. "**Oh dear god!**" he cried, closing his eyes.

"Okay, what on earth is going on here?" asked Zelda.

Marth shrugged. "Beats me, but whatever that ring does makes Link and Ness think everyone's super ugly."

Ness looked at Marth. "Eh, I'm used to seeing the male anatomy, looking at you and Link isn't a big deal."

"…The male anatomy? What the…" Peach started.

"This ring lets you see the unseen… Or, in other words, x-ray vision," said Ness, not daring to look at Peach.

Zelda and Peach rounded up on Link.

"…What? I see ugly bare-naked women and I scream. Is there something wrong with that?" he asked innocently.

* * *

**Scene: Another room in the ranch**

"So then," said Peach. "We're in an even bigger room now."

"Hold on, there's an invisible switch here," said Ness, who had the ring equipped now. He pressed the top of some random pillar and a bridge appeared before them.

"Nice!" said Zelda. "There's some sort of device here…" she pressed the on switch on the yellow cubic machine.

"RENEWAL… COMPLETE." It said.

"Wow! I feel completely renewed!" said Peach.

"Me too! I can definitely carry Link's body around more easily now!" said Marth.

"Unfortunately, it didn't heal Link," said Ness.

"…You mean fortunately," said Zelda.

"I'm not **that** cruel," said Ness, with a nice smile.

* * *

**Scene: Prisoner's Room**

"Are these all Crimeans?" asked Ness.

Sure enough, there were many humans behind bars, being completely bored out of their minds. There was a television set inside, where four Crimeans were playing Wii. Another pair of Crimeans were playing foosball, and there was a Crimean adult reading stories to several children.

"Hey! Do any of you know where Paula is?" asked Ness.

A small boy came up to the smasher's group behind bars. "Yeah, she was taken to Lord Ganondorf's room," he said.

"Now when did prisoners start calling their kidnapper Lord?" asked Marth, still carrying the unconscious Link.

"We love Lord Ganondorf!" a woman cried. "We may be prisoners, but we are welcomed prisoners! He provides us food, entertainment, and comfort!"

Indeed, there were beds, sofas, and couches everywhere within.

"And even more, during nighttime, we're allowed to leave the prison and wander around the base to have fun!"

"No, we're not leaving!" said the boy. "I love Lord Ganondorf!"

"Hm, well…" said Zelda, surprised at Ganondorf's attitude towards his prisoners. "Then we'll leave you here and look for Paula. That's okay with you all?"

"Of course!" all the prisoners chanted.

"Freaks of nature…" Peach muttered under her breath.

* * *

**Scene:** **The Death Warp Maze**

"I don't like the sound of that scene title," said Ness.

What scene title?

"Eh, I mean, the scenery's pretty nice, isn't it?"

Good.

"So there's some sort of pad there," said Zelda, pointing at a blue circular pad.

Ness turned on the ring. "It's a teleportation pad! Let's get on it! It's gotta lead to the boss, where Paula is held captive!"

So the group went in and appeared in another room.

* * *

**Scene: Second Warp Room**

"So we're in the middle of the room…" said Peach. "Surrounded by two more teleport pads…"

"Don't tell me… this is one of those random warp mazes," said Marth.

"I knew it! Ganondorf isn't a good guy after all!" cried Zelda. "He just wants to torture us!"

"Okay, okay, we've gotta get going to save Paula!" said Ness.

"Fine! I choose the one up ahead!" said Peach.

"Might as well try it…" said Zelda.

* * *

**Scene: Beginning**

"Okay, apparently that was wrong," said Ness. "I guess we should try the other warp?

"Yeah, Peach was wrong… for once!" said Marth.

* * *

**Scene: Second Warp Room**

"Why… me…" groaned Zelda, carrying both Marth and Link on her shoulders.

Peach ignored her. "So the one behind us then?" she asked Ness.

"Correct.

* * *

**Scene: Third Warp Room**

"WHAT? There're **three** warps here now!" groaned Ness. "How long are you going to keep me from Paula, Ganondorf?"

"He better be careful of Ness's nut cracker…" muttered Zelda.

"Or my wrath," said Peach.

"Argh… well, the one on our left?" Ness asked, pointing to his left.

"Might as well, we don't have any hints," said Zelda.

* * *

**Scene: Second Warp Room**

"Okay, now what? There're two warps here now," said Ness.

"Try the one up ahead!" said Zelda.

"This might just be the second warp room that we were in, you idiots," said Peach.

"Well, they all look the same, so we can't tell," said Ness.

* * *

**Scene: Fourth Warp Room**

"Okay, now there are **four** warps!" groaned Ness. "How long are you going to keep me from Paula, Ganondorf?"

"He better be careful of Ness's nut cracker…" muttered Zelda.

"Or my wrath," said Peach.

"Argh… well, the one on our left?" Ness asked, pointing to his left.

"Might as well, we don't have any hints," said Zelda.

* * *

**Scene: One-Thousand Three-hundredth Thirty-Seventh Warp Room, Several Hours later**

"Oh dear… the 1337th room?" groaned Zelda. "How long must I keep carrying these perverts on my back?"

"Until they wake up," replied Peach.

"**Ganondorf! You will die!**" said Ness, holding his kendama up high.

* * *

**Scene: Ganondorf's Room, after an entire day**

"That… was… worse than… the Forever Woods…" groaned Ness.

"You mean you've been through something like this before?" gasped Zelda, dropping Link and Marth's bodies.

"…Ouch. I actually feel a bit of sympathy," said Peach, patting Ness on the back. Ness shuddered in fear.

"So… You've finally made it," said Ganondorf. "And I see you were kind enough to not release my prisoners. I see your every move, we have cameras everywhere!"

"Even what the Sorcerer's Ring does?" asked Ness.

"Hm? I don't know what a Sorcerer's Ring does!" Ganondorf said.

Ness smirked, then turned to Zelda and Peach. "I know of a greater pain than the Nut Cracker," he said.

"Oh, do entertain me," said Peach.

"Try me," said Zelda.

"I have a request, Ganondorf," said Ness. "Try on this ring and turn it on, then look here!"

"Why should I trust you?" asked Ganondorf.

"Well we didn't free your prisoners, all we're here for is Paula," said Zelda.

"I suppose, I can trust you that much… Let's see…" Ganondorf turned on the ring. "OH DEAR GOD, WHO ON EARTH HAVE I BEEN KIDNAPPING THESE PAST FIFTEEN ZELDA GAMES?" and fainted on the spot.

There was a long pause.

Zelda whirled around at Ness. "That was your plan? To have him…"

Paula just teleported in, hearing Zelda finish her sentence…

"see me nude with that ring? How could you?"

SLAP!

Ness's face was completely red. "Oh man… how could a slap hurt so much…" he groaned.

"Ness! How could you? You were looking at this… woman… and you gave her a ring? **How could you?**"

"No, Paula, it's not like that!"

SLAP!

"I refuse to be rescued by a cheater! Good bye, and I'll stay a prisoner here!" Paula left, accompanied by two Rocket Grunts.

"**Noooooooo!**" Ness cried, on the floor.

Link and Marth just woke up.

"Ugh… what just happened?" asked Marth.

"Yeah… And where's my ring?" asked Link.

Ness, who had taken the ring back from Ganondorf, gave it back.

"…Actually, on second thought, I don't want to turn it on accidentally," said Link, looking at Zelda.

SMACK!

* * *

**Scene: Outside the Crimea Ranch**

"Peach, weren't you supposed to make the ranch self-destruct?" asked Ness.

"Hey, there're prisoners in there that love life! They still have Ganondorf too!" replied Peach. "What do you think I am, inhumane?"

Link, Marth, and Zelda held sniggered behind their grins, though Ness replied," Yeah."

KABOOM!

"Well, it's time to get back to Crimea," said Marth.

"Agreed," said Link and Zelda.

* * *

**Scene: Crimea**

The five smashers (Ness unconscious) were standing in front of Ike's house, about to report to him their results of their 'infiltration.'

Link knocked on the door. "Ike! You there?"

No answer.

"Ike! You better open up or else I'll blow up this door!" threatened Peach.

No answer.

"You know, I saw Zelda nude, and you were right, she's really ugly!" Link said, with an evil smile.

"Really?" replied Ike, opening the door.

SMACK! SMACK!

Both swordsmen were on the ground.

"I, unlike you, Link, have the decency to not comment on Zelda's body," said Marth.

"True. Marth, you're such a gentleman!" said Zelda, patting him on the back.

"Anyways, we've failed to rescue Paula," said Ness.

"What about the other Crimeans?" asked Ike.

"We've failed to free them too…"

"You idiots! What's wrong with you? I wasn't even working with Team Rocket, like I was supposed to, and this is how you repay me? At least… **I fight for my friends!**"

STAB!

Ike was stabbed in the back by a sword by Mist, who was standing behind him.

"Noooo! I was stabbed… by my own sister… who sucks at fighting…"

"Shut up, brother, I'm so much better than you!"

"In hell… you'll get… no sympathy from me…" Then Ike died (well, not literally of course).

"No! How could you do that to the Ike of the Crimeans?" gasped Ness.

"He did everything to save this stupid chick, named Elincia!" said Mist, pulling the curtains from a jail cell to reveal…

A Ponyta.

"That's… the Queen of Crimea… mutated by a pokeball… into a monster… no way…" said Link.

"I wouldn't call that being mutated," said Ness. "And I think she was hurt by that monster comment."

Indeed, the Ponyta lashed out a long hoof through the bars and slammed into Link's face.

"Now that you know the truth, it's time for you to die!" said Mist.

"But you're a weakling!" said Marth, picking up the tiny girl Mist by the collar like a dog.

"Get your hands off of me!" she yelled, flailing her arms and legs around, but unable to hit Marth because she was so small.

Marth threw her through the ceiling and into the sky.

"Mist is blasting off!" Mist cried, turning into a star in the sky.

"Good riddance…" said Zelda.

* * *

**Scene: Gallia Peaks**

"So can you **show me your Shaymin Statue**?" asked Captain Falcon. "If you can't, no passing through the peaks, yo."

"Nope, but I've got a better present!" said Ness.

"You've gotta be kidding me, you're not doing that again, are you…" groaned Zelda.

"Come on! With that ugly body, your body is practically a weapon!" said Link.

SMACK!

"Turn it on!" said Ness, handing over the Sorcerer's Ring to Falcon.

"Oh, geez, thanks! WHOA, you gals had those bodies? Gotta love 'em!" he gasped. "Show me your bodies!"

Zelda and Peach looked at each other, nodding and getting their fists ready.

"OH DEAR GAWD, LINK AND MARTH… NO, YOUR BODIES… DON'T SHOW ME YOUR BODIES!"

Link and Marth looked at each other, nodding and getting their swords ready.

"Show me your… AHHHHHHH!"


End file.
